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Posted by Joy I'm so sorry that you have all those graphic details in your head. I only saw some simple pictures and they are burned in my head! I know that I remember them more than my husband does at this point. A picture he took of the OW posing clothed on the hotel bed, a picture of her in front of her relatives home, one of her sleeping on a sofa with her daughter and her skirt is up, exposing her rear, one on the beach with her kid with most of her breast exposed as she is over her daughter in the sand (claims he didn't take that one), a picture of him playing with her young daughter with a big smile on his face (best picture of him I'd seen in a number of years, were he didn't look irritated by the picture), multiple pictures of her during the second time she stayed with him. This really bothered me, my husband who you can't get to take a picture of his own kids during a holiday and he was snapping away with this woman and her kid! I can't remember the last time he showed any interest in a picture of me, much less the boys. But, then again, I'm always around, he doesn't need reminders of me. Just showed his interest. Yes, I know that this was new and all, but the fact that HE wanted and took these pictures really bothered me. I had later found out that he would ask for her to send pictures also, and that the young woman before her that he attempted to have an affair with said that he would also ask her to send pictures when he called her on the phone. The first one never did, said it seemed strange to her. He made special plans and tried to set up a 'romantic' mood, with candles and all in the hotel, spent afternoons in bed with her. So, I do understand you feeling neglicted. Yes, she has problems, but she is also able to work around them when she wants to. Well, my husband no longer calls the OW, he did call me frequently during apart times in the early months, and now makes a point to answer pleansantly if I call him. He had to see how he was hurting me long before I discovered his affair. He claims that he didn't realize. Well, I know that he didn't talk to other people that way even then, it was for me, I was an easy target for his unhappiness. I was angry that this man who had resisted but a weekend trip maybe twice a year for over 6 years found time to take a week trip with the OW and lose income, spend lots of money he didn't have and lie to his family about it being paid for by someone else, business. He didn't just neglict me, he neglicted his children. Yeh, I was mad as hell and really hurt for reasons more than the fact that he screwed the OW for three days in a row on that trip. At home, it seemed like he had no interest at all anymore at that time, maybe just a time or two a month if it was up to him then, like you had to work hard to get him in the mood and often he pushed away. Well, I was handling that OK, didn't like it, but was making excuses for him. Finding that he was chasing someone else just blew me away. So, we want to see that extra effort and intensity from our spouse that they placed into the affair. I now know that my husband is completely capable of setting up, planning a vacation with airlines, car reservations, hotel, the whole thing. He has never done that in the entire time we have been together for us or the family. Well, now didn't that hurt like hell! My husband has no childhood issues to blame his mistakes on. He acted in a selfish mannor. So, you want to feel desired! You want her to show her love for you by her eager willingness to please you! The OM was aggressive and took what he wanted without concern for her. You want her to give freely to you. I can understand that aspect. I don't want to give my husband commands to follow,,,I want him to give to me because he wants to, because he loves me and wants to please me. I am more than willing to do that for him. Things did get more back to normal for us as far as our physical relationship once my husband got his Brain back in the right place. I don't think he will ever make the special efforts with me, I'm not new and the intensity that comes with a new relationship. Well, just good ol' me. The one who loves him and never rejected him. So, your wife is all hung up about the kids being home as she remembers how she felt growing up having to witness her mother. Now, we can't send them out all the time and it will be a number of years yet before the youngest is out of the house. So, how do you deal with her phobia about the kids being around? Sounds like you need some special insulation and sound proofing in your room to help her be comfortable and a good lock on the door! Music playing to cover up any noises from the kids. Prayers for strength, Joy
on 10/23/2004, 2:09 pm, in reply to "Responses"
Apaman,
Heck, I can't remember him ever putting extra effort, much less lighting a candle! But, the candles where in the picture of her on the bed. Yucky picture in my head. To this day, I wish I didn't see that one! I already knew enough.
He never puts aside an afternoon for us. Heck, you have to wait until there is absolutely nothing left on TV or whatever and then maybe. So, ignore all day, evening and then you have to get him going. Maybe he just knows that he doesn't HAVE to do all those extra things for me, I'm there and willing. Well, we had many a conversation about those things, well not conversation, but me ranting and rambling about how I would have LOVED to be treated that way, I would have been one really happy woman to have him calling me like a school boy with a crush as he did her for 8 months! I was lucky at that time if he would even answer his cell if I called him and then it would be answered with "WHAT!?" by him. He denied that he wouldn't answer, but I had tried using different phones a few times and had him answer right away. Hummmmm. I didn't have a clue even then that he was cheating.
Well, that got so much better after dday and the contact with the Other women stopped. He found he did want me afterall! Our physical relationship improved greatly after his affair stopped and has remained better. More like years ago, before he started pulling away and rejecting my efforts.
So, I challenged him to make some special plans for us. It took around 16 months and a bartered deal for a three day weeked. He showed no interest in being with me during the day, in fact glued himself to the TV. I don't think the OW had that problem! Oh well, guess I can't ever expect that 'new' excitement from him. It's just the same old me. Now that's sad. It didn't bother me before, but I know that he did want this with someone else. Crap! That really messed with my head!
But, those may just be excuses. They know at this age that the stork didn't bring them! If anything, it has to be more healthy for our kids to see us behaving in a loving way toward each other. That's what marriage is supposed to be about. She had a terrible example. Your kids have your example of a loving couple, and there is nothing wrong in allowing our children to see that we love one another through the good and the bad. The Bible even warns couples not to deny one another.
Now, it gets expensive to get a room on a regular basis, but the affair allowed for that! Sounds like you will handle 'empty nest syndrome' well as far as your physical relationship goes! (happy_
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