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Posted by Lena So I will reveal a bit about myself that seems to coincide with Apawifes life. First I too grew up with abuse, incest and very troubled relationships in my early years. It's called trauma bonding. Where the victim goes back to the perpetrator over and over and gets revictimized - it is a phycological phenominon (sp) that requires the survival instinct to make the abuse right in order to live with it. You should do a bit of research on it. Now to address the your sex vs their sex it is apples and oranges. You say Apawife needs to be drunk to do those things. She is being honest. When I was in my twenties long before I began the long journey of healing years of abuse. I can honestly say I never had sex at all without being drunk because the trauma was sexually related. Now during that time I had no boundaries what so ever, you cannot have boundaries when you are a prisoner growing up. There for you have difficulty if even possible to create and maintain any boundaries in adulthood, boundaries are taught in childhood. When I was in my twenties I drank and drugged to deal with my pain and my shame. A side affect of that was that I felt compelled to have sex with whomever I was with when I was drunk, turning them down was not an option, but since I was drunk I could do it and not feel a thing. Now here is the big kicker sweetie, I felt NOTHING, NOTHING NOTHING. It didn't hurt it didn't feel good it was nothing. The only time I felt anything was the next morning when I awoke I could not remember what I had done but I felt ashamed anyway and that then tied into my previous shame - all of this was about trying to not be a victim, by fooling myself into believing I chose it this time and it was not forced on me. It is very hard to sort all that stuff out. It took me close to 11 years of therapy and such to do so and even now I still struggle some with shame. Now those types of sexual incounters were for me demeaning and had no feeling or pleasure to them. Looking at it from a mans perspective I can see how you would see that type of sex as thrilling and desirable, but for a women who has been more than exploited her entire life, believe me we do not find it exciting,but rather demeaning. I believe Apawife finds a great deal of shame in that and does not want to contaminate what she sees as her only healthy love relationship. If you want that kind of kinky sex you will have to give her time to heal her trauma, give her a safe environment to explore those actions in a healthy safe way that she gets satisfaction and desires it. Believe me, what you saw in those pictures was not a desire of hers. She actually feels deficient sexually. So stop the demands whether in words, or in you head. Realize that opening up sexually for someone who is abused is a huge undertaking. Anyone can be exploited with acholol and drugs especially if they are survivers of sexual abuse. You need to for a moment throw out those pictures in your head, they have no relevence in your relationship. That was drunken unconcious exploitation, no desire, no pleasure - she was used like a piece of meat and she knows it and for you to continue to want that from her is telling her that she should also be a piece of meat for you. Don't go there. Sorry for being so explicit but you are looking at it totally wrong. You might try looking at it like she actually desires sex with you, without drugs or alcohol and she enjoys it. That is the real truth, not some sexually deviant fantasy that some A$$hole exploited from her.
on 10/22/2004, 9:58 am, in reply to "I got your point.....wonder why that is?"
You said "The Sex in our marriage vs. the sex in thier A. Big difference, and we have discussed the whys enough to know why and to understand why."
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