Posted by nel on August 22, 2007, 10:06 pm I dont harm much these days did reently but before then it had been months... most of my scars are white & look like cellulite now anyhow. Last month i went to the beach with my mother-in-law. We both love swimming but for 5 yrs ive managed to put off being anywhere that involves a swimming costume around her. This has been quite tricky seeing as she lives on Portland, an island/penninsula with a heap of dorset coastline to swim in. It went fine, she might judge me badly as some kind of emotionally demanding evil attention seeking freak but that's her call, only i know me. I know that she will allways judge me negatively in some respects anyway, wether my scars, tattoos, religeon, manners, attitude, polotics or whatevr so we better try hard & find something we do agree on. I really miss em tho. Having all those scars was like having a room full of friends that i could talk to. Each one understood how i felt. Now it's like having a body full of dead friends i know i can never talk to again. I can see such horrible things in my head but i cant tell anyone because they'll think im crazy or freak out. I feel so lost & in pieces... i've got no-one to talk to & i shouldnt be b###hing too hard because i have good friends who care about me. It's just that they dont seem to be able to hear me when i say that i really need some help. ive been`trying to reach out for a coupla months but no one's on the other end. Im sure that they are there for me but i cant seem to make anyone understand me. I dont want to be ringing ppl in the middle of the night or owt, i wouldnt know what to say if i did. I dont want to worry anyone, but no one's listening. I dont know what to do. I feel like im quietly falling to pieces & there'll be nothing left but shards & the rest of the real world is all shredding around it. I'm so lucky in many respects, i dont want to take those things for granted. I just wish i could connect with someone, i want someone to understand, no-one knows how to help and i know that it's up to me to sort myself out but i need some kind of connection. I think some ppl have twigged summats up but they dont have the internal resources to reach out. Now im harming again because i feel so alone but it'll isolate me more as now i have to hide more of me. So i should stop but i need to have a part of my life that understands how i feel. I dont know what help i need so i cant reasonably ask anything of anyone. Everyone seems 2 steps away, even m. I cant reach anyone. Something bad is happening inside. I think because ive "sorted myself out" so much & prooved that i can come through stuff & allways seem to get over stuff & bouce back, ppl think it'll be allright if we all be increadably english about it and turn our backs untill it goes away it'll all be allright & it probably will be. But it doesnt change the fact that right now i feel like who i am in all aspects is all falling apart. Even like it feels my body, the roof of my mouth is cleaving in two. I'll end up being fine but it's not much fun in the process.
82.47.216.89
wow good to see some familier names... i only come on here once in a blue moon these days - heya folk! Dunno when you'll see this but Clairy, Rach, Starlover, Mark, lea... it's good to know you're around if in a disembodied way. I guess if any of you see this it means you're having a particularly bad time of things tho. Although maybe not, well done lea on the whole 2 yrs thing.
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