User logged in as post
I still have about a week to go before I see my oncologist. I just want to get on with it. The waiting is just horrible. My surgeon says the probability of having chemo is about 100 percent. So she had a port-a-cath inserted during my 2nd surgery. She had already talked to the oncologist. I know everyone is different when it comes to the side effects of chemo, but with there being so many, I assume that everyone is bound to come down with some of them. I get very anxious when I don't know what to expect and have no control over the outcome. As many others have posted in the last few days, I too am very scared. Sometimes I feel like saying screw this, and stop farther treatment all together. I must have said that out loud at one point because my husband was quite upset. He said I wasn't going to get off that easy. He is really there for me, but yet sometimes I still feel very alone.
With the hair loss, nail problems, bone pain, possible heart problems, just to mention a few, it's a wonder any of us subject ourselves to this treatment at all. I know it's temporary, but 3 months can feel like 3 years. These last 2 months since my diagnosis have passed, but it's like everything has been in slow motion. Except for the time when I was on heavy pain meds. There was about 2 weeks where I don't remember much. Now time has slowed even more. I try to get out and do things, but I don't have much cash, and in the winter it's hard to get outside much. Dr. visits are starting to become outings that I look forward to just to have something to do for the day.
Still I am trying very hard to stay positive. Sometimes the grief of all gets to me, and I go through a crying jag. Sometimes that makes me feel better, but lately those times are becoming fewer. I feel guilty for having to put my family though this financial and emotional burden. I see how it is effecting my girls and there husbands along with my husband and other family and friends. Somehow I feel that I did something to cause this, that I deserve this for some reason. I know that sounds crazy, but Breast Cancer is crazy in it's self. Ever since I was a little kid and found out that was what my grandmother died of I "just knew" I would end up with BC. It was just a matter of when. Even when my husband found the lump I was upset about it, but not surprized. I said to myself, so here you are, I don't have time for you right now, not that I have any choice in the matter.
God willing and with all of your support as well as my care givers I know I will get through this. But the waiting......
I am angry scared and tired.
Thanks for reading this and letting me vent.
Thanks for reading this a letting me vent.