[ Post a Response | Commitmentphobia ]
From Commitment Phobe to "I
Do"!
A strategic ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and
getting that long overdue and much deserved commitment!
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Posted by Lorelei on 2/21/2007, 6:17 pm I am a RECOVERING codependent love addict. I found this out while working with a really gifted male therapist (almost six years ago), who tuned me into the SOURCE of my romantic problems -- Lorelei. First time I ever had a therapist who asked the right questions, so I could stop the madness of codependency that reared its ugly head in most of my primary relationships (and ALWAYS (very painfully) in my romantic liaisons.). So, I would encourage anyone who doesn't understand the definition and various levels of "Love Addiction to do more research, or to find a healthcare professional, who can better explain to them what this emotional addiction encompasses. My story. During my late teens and early twenties, I was a love addict. I thought about romance and love all of the time (secretly). But, I acted out by being a Love Avoidant (running scared and devaluing others at whim). Without fail, whether I was doing the running or doing the emotional-chasing...I was ALWAYS subconsciously scared of intimacy. If someone liked me and showed it, it would take me little to no time at all to start devaluing everything about them, until I could barely stand them. Most of the secret love attachments I did have (torch carrying) were to emotionally unavailable people. The two times I was genuinely honestly in love in my life (yes, I know what it really feels like for Lorelei to be in love), I fell so quickly for the objects of my desire (men in business suits), that I neglected to do myself the favor of giving the relationships time to evolve normally, so I could discover the true characters of the men I was dating. By then, I was in LOVE, and hooked, only to find out I was dating bright, intelligent, tall, dark & handsome, monsters! What followed was abandonment and loneliness. with me spiraling into numbing, long depressions that lasted as long as it took to find a new object of my desire (torch carrying -- the new object didn't have to be real). Anyway...I visited the "brighter tomorrow" website, as I am ALWAYS interested in any material which might enlighten and uplift me in my struggles with low self-esteem and codependent behavior within relationships (I AM getting better and better every day, btw!). And I took the 40 question test. Interestingly enough, what virtually slapped me in the face was how evident it was to me how far I had come in the past 6 years. Listed are some characteristics I formerly had, followed by characteristics that are still remaining, which I am working on diminishing. In the Past In the Now (present) 1) Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve. (I've been doing this the last five years, or so...b/c I FOOLED myself into thinking MY BAD CODEPENDENT HABITS wouldn't play as big a part in these romances...but wherever I go...THERE I AM, YOU KNOW! 2) Once you have bonded with someone, you can't let go. (Oh I can let go, if you pry my fingers off of the guy with a crowbar! Actually, I have always let go physically, but emotionally (and privately) I have and still struggle with LETTING GO due to feelings of intense abandonment, stemming from childhood relationship with rejecting parent(my Mom). Seriously, the guy could be Gomer Pyle, and I would've had a difficult letting go -- the rejection felt so intense. 3) In some of your relationships you were the only one in love. In my two relationships, it was 50-50. (one=only me in love) (2nd=both in love). My other relationships, I just ACTED like I was in love, but wasn't. I was dating guys I wasn't REALLY attracted to on many levels, but attracted to enough to date. 4)More than once you've gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely (see above). 5) You are terrified (scared -- not terrified) of never finding someone to love. I've been alone most of my adult life (non-dating relationships). 6) You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, (not dishonesty or abuse!) - to avoid the pain of separation anxiety. 7) Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible. Tiny Tim could reject me, and I'd feel absolute failure. So, there you have it....where I've been...where I am. Hugs, Lorelei
Hey Everyone,
1) You fall in love very easily and too quickly.
2) When you fall in love, you can't stop fantasizing-even to do important things. You can't help yourself. (Heck, I couldn't even concentrate on my studies in College for many years, it took all of my mental power).
3) When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship. (This was the case after the end of my first-love romance. I thought life would never return to normal, it felt so bad.).
4)Love and relationship are the only things that interest you.
5) You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship. (Now I was and still am very solitary at times (I like it this way, too!)...but when I've had enough of my own company...I have period of real loneliness. Yet, to run into my at the office or in a group setting you'd think I was socializing all of the time and would be suprised that I was solitary.)
6)You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship (its a girl and a southern thing!)
7)You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do (almost) anything to please him-even abandon yourself (wants, needs and values).
8) More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing. (I never felt agonized by it, but I was lonely b/c I didn't have the capability of sustaining any relationships in REALITY!...and I was lonely b/c of it).
9) More than once, you have neglected family or friends b/c of your relationship.
10) Love is the most important thing in the world to you.
11) Even if you are not in a relationship, you stil fantasize about love all the time--either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.
12) As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.
(I also had these traits in the past, but thought it better not to be redundant for reading purposes).
Best NEVER to settle).
Not great, but not bad! I choose to accentuate the positives.
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From Commitment Phobe to "I
Do"!
A strategic ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and
getting that long overdue and much deserved commitment!
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