[ Post a Response | Commitmentphobia ]
From Commitment Phobe to "I
Do"!
A strategic ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and
getting that long overdue and much deserved commitment!
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Posted by Julia on 2/19/2007, 7:52 pm, in reply to "He would be fine if I left" The key here is that YOU will be fine without HIM. You just don't believe it yet. You're still stuck on HIM being fine without YOU. That's the shock/denial phase of grief. The only way to regain your equilibrium is to grieve this relationship. You're still in the very first phase of grief: denial/shock. Long way to go here. You can stay in denial (like a LOT of women) for years. It takes a serious slap in the face to actually move on to anger, stay there, and stay gone from his life, and work your way through sadness and acceptance and exhaustion. You are nowhere near letting go. You are addicted to what he thinks of you and what he needs and how it fluctuates and how fascinating and confusing it all is. It's the mind games -- the inconsistencies of how he feels and treats you from day to day -- that keeps you hooked in, waiting and guessing and anticipating and most of all, wondering if the games you are trying to play right back, are going to be enough. The very sad fact is, women who are hooked on a guy who doesn't love them, have FAR more to lose, AND DO LOSE far more of themselves than the guys do. Until you really understand this and accept what damage this has done, you will hang on for dear life hoping things will change and you will gain leverage. When he doesn't really love you, there is NOTHING you can do for your self esteem, except to get the hell out and grieve this LOSS. You lost him a long time ago, and most likely, you never really had his love. The worst thing a woman can do is give her power away by becoming addicted to a guy who doesn't love her, and then make excuse after excuse for why she needs to stay and "fight it out" in some last ditch effort to prove that he DOES love her. It's a long sad battle. You'll try to break up, you'll get strong for a few days, you'll speak your mind, you'll be at your wits end and find courage, and within a week he'll be begging for your attention, JUST when you've finally begun to let go. Then you'll see this begging as a sign that he DOES love you (when really his ego is just bent and he can't believe you have the strength AND self esteem and FAITH IN YOURSELF to dump him. You'll be amazed, relieved, excited, hopeful, doubtful but you'll give him yet another chance because you will think he loves YOU, when it's really his weak ego talking. Then you'll play these rollercoaster merry-go-round games back and forth wondering who has the power, and the bottom line is that HE will have the power and it's only because YOU refuse to see that you've given all your power away and there is no way to get it back, you are already addicted and submissive to your addiction (believing it is love). Men like this rely on your weaknesses. It's the only way they can get away with doing very little, and with playing games, and giving you mixed messages. Strong women don't put up with the BS of mixed messages. Strong women see BS for what it is and have already paid their dues and know the price of accepting waffling, BS, mixed messages, ambivalence, neglect, tons of attention followed by zero attention followed by criticisms of whatever they think is a button they can push with you, whatever makes you weaken and doubt yourself. Womens self-doubt and ignoring her MIND and her GUT, these are the biggest enemies to every woman's self esteem. Once you give your self esteem away (which is so easy to do) you have a long long uphill road to regain it. Start on that road, Annie. Sooner or later you will be forced to. Do it from a place of power and strength and faith in yourself. You are not losing a man who really loves you or would do anything for you (but he may try to convince you of this as soon as you get strong). A man who really loves you will encourage your strength, even if that means you need to walk away. Yah, he'll be fine without you, but YOU will be FINER. You just need to believe this.
A lot of women are afraid to leave dead-end relationships using the excuse (in a quiet panic) that he will be FINE without me!!! Isn't it shocking!! That men who really are NOT that into you and do NOT love you in any REAL sense of the word.....or action...... WILL go find another giving woman who doesn't have enough of a backbone.
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From Commitment Phobe to "I
Do"!
A strategic ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and
getting that long overdue and much deserved commitment!
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