[ Post a Response | Commitmentphobia ]
From Commitment Phobe to "I
Do"!
A strategic ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and
getting that long overdue and much deserved commitment!
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Posted by Sally on 2/15/2007, 5:41 pm, in reply to "Pia Mellody" A CP relationship is one continuous accomodation , to accept hot/cold moods, disappearances, boundaries, inconsistency, unreliablity, neglect & disappointments! We are constantly thrown off-balance with the push/pull, BUT the overall feeling of the r/s is FRUSTRATION & LONLINESS! In your case its 12 yrs, yes, huge investment, but just forget about that now. WHO CARES. All that matters is you know it is 1/2 or less of what you need/want! I stayed for 2 yrs in something most similar. Once/month dates, minimal holiday involvment, excluded from many parts of his life, strict boundaries. At 1st I just didn't understand, thought well its all new, he was going slow, he was just off another break-up with long-term g/f. I wasn't looking to get married, just wanted fun & companionship. It was fine AT FIRST! Healthy relationships PROGRESS, they go somewhere, they develop and deepen in knowledge of the other, intensity of feeling, we become more intimate, share more pieces of our lives. It's normal to grow in your feelings, if all the right ingredients are there, its normal to build stronger and deeper bonds, its normal to WANT to spend more time together, to be proud of person at your side, want them to participate in the most important parts of your life, make them a priority because THEY ARE! Whatever is true in 'normal' r/s... flip it upside down in a CP r/s. When the pressure becomes unbearable, some/many CP's will simply vanish, find someone else, or create unsolvable issues to end things, you are wrong religion, too young, too old, I hate your kids etc. Some CP's ( like mine & I suspect yours) will stay IF they can establish sufficient boundaries with you to manage their fear of closeness and commitment. However, the r/s is so restricted, so many boundaries, it WILL eventually collapse from neglect. When you look back later, after YOU have finally left, you think there just wasn't anything there....few real memories, gifts, photos, just a whole lot of nothing much. Boundaries are established by setting your expectations low, low, low. You don't EXPECT to spend every weekend together, you don't expect to be included with friends, family events, holidays. You don't expect him to be accountable to you, consistent, reliable etc. When a bone DOES get thrown your way you are SO VERY excited for the crumbs and the favors, you fall over yourself in gratitude and forget how lonely the other 99% of r/s truly is. THAT is PRIMARY reason we hang in, we are actually so deprived of affection, attention, the crumbs feel like winning the lottery. Our gratitude and happiness is disproportionate to what they actually did for us!!! We are on cloud 9, we stay hooked on hope we can have that feeling once again! We can dissect the CP personality to pieces, the reasons, the causes, the patterns, the cures (likely none!) , on & on. It really doesn't matter. What matters is accepting the guy has a serious relationship disorder that YOU CAN'T FIX! He can NEVER participate in a whole relationship with you or anyone else. He doesn't want it AND he can't do it! AND LAST: NO CONTACT, no option here!! BECAUSE, talking leads to negotiation. Negotiation leads to 'let's try again'. Trying again just puts you back on the CP rollercoaster for another thrilling ride. What goes up MUST come down. All rides with a CP come crashing down and it ALWAYS hurts! I think you are here because you have lived this and know this oh so well.. and if you want a cheerleading team to keep you moving AWAY from this guy, leave him the dust... we are all here for you!
Great advice from Lorelei. Reading books will re-enforce your awareness & understanding of the CP behaviour patterns that have made up your relationship. That helps crystalize all the craziness you have probably endured, puts a label to it, etc.
With CP's its the opposites game. The more they begin to have feelings for you, the more distance they create. The sweeter & more loving you are, the faster they lose interest, want space. The more you neglect them, the more they pursue. The nicer the weekend was, the longer till there's another. They might have 'rules' around sex too, how often etc. it may feel mechanical, no real connection. You call them, they won't call back. They call you, you don't call back, they keep calling....
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From Commitment Phobe to "I
Do"!
A strategic ten-step plan for winning your CP's heart and
getting that long overdue and much deserved commitment!
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