Posted by NYTIMES on 12/10/2004, 20:04:31 KABUL, Afghanistan - Im sorry, President Bush. Although I searched all over Pakistan and Afghanistan, I couldnt find Osama bin Ladenexcept in my dreams: There I was, checking my e-mail at a Starbucks in Kandahar, when I spotted a slender 6-foot-5 figure in a burka, going this way and that, obviously lost. There was a dead giveawayshe wasnt asking for directions. Another clue was the dialysis machine trailing behind. So I sat Osama down for an interview: ME: Tell me, which candidate are you endorsing in the US presidential election? OSAMA: I try to be nonpartisan. But al-Qaeda will benefit if Bush is reelected, inshallah. Q: Because Bush is no good at fighting terrorism? A: No, not at all. Wheres your objectivity? Even I know that journalists are supposed to be fair, so show it, ya kalb! Bush did plenty, beginning with his invasion of Afghanistan, which sent me fleeing into Waziristan in the mountains of Pakistan. Then he leaned on Musharraf to send troops into Waziristan, sending me on the run again. Q: Brass tacks: Easier or harder to hit the US now? A: Harder. Lots harder. Ayman wanted to drop sarin in New Yorks subways, but Homeland Security tightened controls on chemical precursors. With FBI scrutiny, our sleeper agents still have to sleep. Weve talked about a dirty bomb, but Bush tightened controls for radioactive materials. Bush has actually done much more for security than the Democrats give him credit for. Q: So I dont get it. Why is Bush good for al-Qaeda? A: Recruitment, recruitment, recruitment. Look, the biggest challenge we face isnt getting chemical precursors. Its getting recruitsand Bush has become our VP for recruitment. Ayman made a PowerPoint chart showing our intake. You see an uptick each time Bush embraces Ariel Sharon or talks about a crusadeand Iraq, that was a real gift. That new book by my nemesis at the CIA got it just right. Here it - Q: WATCH IT! Keep your hands where I can see em, or Ill blow you away. A: Youre not armed. Even I know that your paper bans reporters from carrying guns. Im just showing you a photocopy from Imperial Hubris. Remember, this is from the CIAs top expert on al-Qaeda: US forces and policies are completing the radicalization of the Islamic world. I think it fair to conclude that the United States of America remains bin Ladens only indispensable ally. Have you seen the polls? People who like the US are down to 13 percent in Egypt and 3 percent in Saudi Arabia. Even in Morocco and Jordan, two-thirds of the people say that suicide bombings against Westerners are justifiable. Q: So whats your strategic aim? To kill lots of Americans? A: No. If we wanted to do that, wed have our agents open up McDonalds franchises. After all, by some accounts, excess salt kills 150,000 Americans a year. No, our ultimate aim is to recreate a powerful caliphate in a true Muslim nation, one that doesnt kowtow to the Yankees. Q: Which nation? And why bring baseball into it? A: Saudi Arabia, if we topple the royals. Or Pakistan. We eliminate Musharraf, and well have a real Islamic bomb. I wont have to go begging for uranium or plutonium for my next attack on America. Q: Back up. Why would a new Pakistani government be Islamist? A: Plenty of people in Pakistan, including in its intelligence agency, already support me. Thats how we plotted all those assassination attempts against the traitor Musharraf, and thats how Ive stayed safe for three years. You infidels thought I was hiding in an Afghan cave. I chuckled about that as I watched TV in my safe house in Waziristan. Look, infidel, thats the most important reason I want a Bush victory: the historic prize would be an Islamic revolution in Saudi Arabia or Pakistan, and that would give us a base and perhaps nuclear weapons. And Bushs talent for antagonizing Muslims makes such a revolution more likely. You know, Im now a believer in Pakistani democracy because a Pew poll found that only 7 percent of Pakistanis have a favorable view of Bush, while 65 percent like me. So let the Pakistanis choose their own government! And then, when I have my nuclear weapons, look out. Thank you, President Bush!
Dreaming in Kabul
COMMENTARY
By NICOLAS D. KRISTOF
The biggest challenge we [al-Qaeda] face is getting recruitsand Bush has become our VP for recruitment. Bushs talent for antagonizing Muslims makes a revolution more likely.
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