Posted by Anna
on 2/10/2009, 8:48 am, in reply to "Re: How to get the images out of my head"
Allen,
I am probably the last person you would want to hear from right now, as I was recently in the same position as your wife.
I had an affair that lasted for months with a man well-known for meandering outside his marriage. A man-whore, you might say.
I'm still untangling the reasons I put myself in that position, but let me say that it had more to do with me than with my husband or the OM. It had to do with a deep-seated insecurity that no one outside of me could have addressed.
I knew I was being seduced, and I allowed it to happen because my self-esteem was insatiable. People with low self esteem can be bottomless pits. Soon you find out that nothing and no one can satisfy the ache and emptiness there.
I loved my husband, but I was angry at him. Angry at him for things he had said and done, but more than that, angry at him for not filling that space the way I thought he ought to.
I learned over the course of my straying that this was an ongoing theme in my life, and though it had never resulted in infidelity before, it had contributed to the dissolution of friendships and relationships that could have lasted a lifetime. I realized that many things I had blamed on others had really been my fault. It was a wake-up call.
I share this to say that it isn't you. It isn't what you did or didn't, could or couldn't give your wife. It's about what she couldn't give herself.
My heart breaks as I read your words, because I see just what I have done to my husband and my marriage. I still don't know where we are going or how we are going to get there. I'll be thinking of you and your wife and wishing your marriage well. I just wanted to let you know not to blame yourself.