Posted by Joy on 11/8/2008, 2:39 pm, in reply to "Ashamed after Affair"
The first step is for you to end contact with this man. As long as YOU allow this to happen, only you can be held responsible. End any phone calls, time alone, messaging or whatever else you do with this man. No time alone. That is your responsiblity. Don't drink with him, that is an excuse. It's a choice that you and you alone can make.
Make it only business. No other communication. Don't be alone with him, three is always safer.
NO lunches or other alone time.
If you really want to save your marriage, then you must take full responsibility for your actions and do what is necessary to protect yourself and your marriage.
Start looking for a new job. Your husband will have trouble trusting you if you are still around this other man.
You waste so much emotional energy on this ego trip with this other man. It tends to show in your behavior at home. Leading a secret second life tends to take a toll on your relationship. Lies take lots of energy to maintain. Most likely, your husband senses that something is wrong.
You may miss the validation, the ego stroke the affair gave you, but the pain you bring yourself, and the pain this will bring to so many others is massive.
Some resources that might help:
A good book:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES about affair recovery. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp
Some support groups for those dealing with infidelity that you may find very helpful:
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the former wayward spouse, to help them understand what is needed to help the betrayed spouse and earn trust again.
http://aftertheaffair.net/
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