Posted by sophia
on 11/7/2008, 8:05 am, in reply to "Ashamed after Affair"
Dear Anna,
You have taken a very large first step. A step that many betrayers never get to. You have started to understand your motivation for the affair and didn't blame it on your husband, and you feel remorse. Now, you have to remove all contact with the other man even if it takes leaving your current job.
There is a debate among therapists who deal in marital infidelity about whether to tell or not to tell. My personal opinion is to bring everything out in the open because sweeping it under the rug sometimes can lead to repeat infidelities, and sharing everything can lead to a greater imtimacy in your marriage. However, BIG WARNING - the confession will lead to a great deal of pain for your husband. You must be prepared to accept all his anger and hurt for a lot of it will be directed at you. You must be patient and kind and expect that the recovery period will take a long time.
Getting some books on affair recovery will help you both to deal with this. I can recommend "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahams Spring, Ph.D, and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass MSW.
Also professional marital therapy may help. A website www.dearpeggy.com gives lists of these specialists accross the country.
Anna - this will be a hard road, but you may come out of this with a healthier marriage.
Good luck.
Sophia
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