Posted by Anna on 11/6/2008, 1:35 pm
Hello. I'm new here. I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about this, and it's destroying me. I started having an affair with my boss about two months ago. He's married, and so am I.
Looking back, I see that he was testing the waters for months before he ever made his move. I also see that I was enjoying the attention too much to be honest with myself about what was going on. It was novel and exciting to have the attention of a handsome man at my age (mid thirties). It was flattering.
I never, never thought I would have done such a horrible thing. The worst part about it is knowing that my husband trusted me to spend time alone with this man, and I have violated his trust in the worst possible way.
Second to that, the worst part about it has been the insight into my own character. I realize that I acted largely out of anger at my husband, which is odd considering the lengths I've gone to to conceal the affair. I also realize that a part of me wanted to know that I could win the attention of a man who was already attached (and who is sought after by others, as well).
I can't believe I have done this. I can hardly eat or sleep any more. When I do sleep, I have nightmares that I've inadvertently killed the OM's wife or my husband, or that I cannot find my two small children.
The sex between us was lackluster, but I still went back over and over because of the thrill of the attraction. I think he enjoyed the dangerous aspect of it.
I had decided to end things between us by last night, but I ended up alone with him after work and things happened again (aided in large part by alcohol). I was unable to drive--I haven't been that intoxicated in over ten years--and he ended up having to take me home. Neither of us could look at each other for the whole ride.
I hate myself. I hardly want to live. I keep thinking of how foolish and hurt my husband is going to feel if I tell him. This is the first secret between us, the first lie. I want to come clean and start over, but I also want to hide it from him. I don't feel like I have the right to say I love him, but I really do. This affair has shown me how inferior the OM is to my husband.
Can anyone tell me how to begin sorting out my life again?
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