Posted by Joy on 9/6/2008, 11:01 pm, in reply to "Re: my husband cheated on me"
Sorry you are going through this, it is a horrible emotional trauma. It takes time, there is no quick fix. Some will tell you to 'forgive and forget', but short of a lobotomy, you will not forget. It takes time to work through the emotions, shock, anger, sadness, etc....to get to the point that you can really forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you sweep it all under the rug, nor that you condone the behavior. It's about finding more peace for yourself and ending the 'punishment'.
A study by Peggy Vaughan of couples in recovery showed that those who addressed the problems, the affair did better in recovery in the long run.
Seek a counselor certified in marriage/couples counseling that shares your wish to rebuild the marriage. You may have to try more than one.
If the counselor tells you to just forget it, then fire them!
All couples have troubled times. That is not an accuse to betray your spouse. He ownes that choice. He had other options. He is making excuses for himself by passing blame to you. If you where not meeting all of his needs, then most likely, he wasn't meeting yours either.
Now, most wayward spouses usually minimize their actions and try to protect themselves by denying most of their behavior. Odds are he has not told you the entire truth yet.
The first step he must take is to commit to your marriage completely, by ending ALL CONTACT with this other woman. No further friendships, emails, messaging, etc. He will have to earn your trust again, after all, he is the one who did all the damage. He can help you heal by being open, transparent about his communications, give you access to see that he is doing as he says. He can help you by being accountable for his time.
This is a terrible stress. Try to take care of yourself.
This site has been much slower than it used to be. Glad you found the hosts article. Following are some other resources. Check out the yahoo group site for articles and links.
Some resources that might help:
A good book:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES about affair recovery. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
An ebook written for the former wayward spouse, to help them understand what is needed to help the betrayed spouse and earn trust again.
http://aftertheaffair.net/
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