Posted by Joy on 6/23/2008, 9:23 pm, in reply to "Do I want to know?"
It's up to you to decide what details you need to know. Some of us need to know everything, as what we imagine is so much worse. The imagined details and continued secrets makes it hard for some to rebuild trust. Others only want to know parts of the story and wish not to hear the 'ugly' details.
Yes, some details will haunt you, but do they already haunt you as the 'unknown'?
The need to know is pretty common for many betrayed spouses. Our life just became a big puzzle with so many pieces missing. Your spouse holds those pieces.
A study done by Peggy Vaughn of couples in recovery showed that those that discussed the affair did better in recovery in the long run.
I was one of those who needed to know the truth. I was tired of living a lie and wanted to know just what I was being asked to deal with. I already had some evidence and my Husband's denials just made things confusing. I'm sure what I imaged was much better than his reality.
Yes, you will obsess over the details for awhile, but you may be already over what you think happened.
You don't say how long ago this discovery happened. The first year is the worst, and it takes most couples around 2 years to move past this if all is going well. Trust is earned and he will have to do what is necessary to rebuild that trust. There is no quick fix for that one, he did massive damage, he will have to work hard to repair what he destroyed.
You did nothing wrong before, you trusted him and that is honorable. So often, in hindsight, we 'see' those warnings that we made excuses about before. Over the months following discovery, things come to mind and you put pieces together.
This board is not very active right now.
Following are some resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
Another good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html
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