Posted by Lily on 11/29/2007, 11:02 am, in reply to "Re: What else?: The Affair"
There is nothing sick about staying in a marriage when small children are present unless there is actual danger at this time to you or them. His manipulation must not be given in to. It is a form of bullying. As things progress you may need to give him some guidelines that he must live by if he is to remain in the family. No contact would top the list, getting another job closer to home might be next. He must remain in treatment of course. He may think he is in charge but he really is not, you are. If he had wanted to end the marriage he would have gone by now since there is nothing stopping him from filing and going to live with the OW. So he really doesn't want to end the marriage and so you have the control and can make the rules on what will have to happen or you will end the marriage and he will be on his own. If he is actually cold enough to leave and never see the girls again, you can not do anything to stop him and giving in to any demands. He must agree to behave in a certain way if he wants back into your life not the other way around. I think it is fairly normal for the WS to keep the OP in the background for at least a while until they know if the BS will let them stay. They are weak people or they would not have been in the A in the first place. You are going to have to be the strong partner in this marriage and the strong parent. I believe the children are the most important thing to be protected and sometimes that divorce is the best way to protect them, however I also think the BS should take all steps to recover the marriage until it becomes clear that nothing will fix it. No one is perfect and your H will always be bipolar and have ADHD. The question is, will he do the work to control himself and are you willing to put up with him if he is doing his very best but it is not enough? Are you getting some therapy for yourself? Sometimes having someone to bounce things off of can make you view things in a different light.
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