Posted by Jenn on 11/6/2007, 6:54 pm
Hi -
I've been reading through a few of the message threads and it seems that some of you have been trying to recover from infedelity for some years now and I was hoping someone with some experience can shed some light on a situation for me?
My boyfriend and I were high school/college sweethearts and have been together over 7 years. Before ever dating, we were the very best of friends for over a year. Once we started dating, we were the dream couple that everybody wanted to be. We REALLY are best friends.
About a year ago, he confessed to me that he was upset I wasnt spending as much time with him as I used to (and he was right). I had gotten caught up in college work and the start of a bright new career. He's also a hard worker, but at the time he seemed to be putting more into us that I was. I swore to him that I would work on it and I really did. After a few months, he moved into an apartment my parents built for him in our basement.
After living with us for a few months, he started to express concerns that he felt like he didnt have a space of his own and wasn't fitting in living with 5 other people. At this point, he started working late most nights or going straight to his friend Jake's house from work for a few hours. He came home every night but seemed really distant. I questioned an affair, but he brushed it off and I felt guilty for even thinking it ... like I said, he was my very best friend.
Last Jan, he broke up with me (through tears ... even though Ive never seen him cry) and moved out of my parents ... he said things just werent the same between us ... however, he called me the very next day sobbing and claiming that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and he didnt want to lose me. At this point, I told him that we would have to find a new place to live (I didnt want to drag my family into this) and I suggested that we get an apartment together (maybe we needed our own space?) and he agreed. Immediately, we began looking for places and he seemed into it - even finding some places on his own.
Everytime we were set to submit an apartment application, though, he said he was having anxiety over the move and was afraid that he would screw up our relationship again.
After a few months of going back and forth, I told him that I was gettting a place on my own and when he was ready, we could talk about him moving in ... I expressed that I was nervous about the direction the relationship was going in and again questioned infidelity but he continued to brush it off.
About a month ago, my boyfriend and I were sitting in a restaurant and in walked his female boss from work - announcing to me that she has been sleeping with him for a year and that he'd been living with her since he moved out of my parents 6 months prior. Well that certainly made all of his weird behavior make sense.
I immediately went home - unable to cry - he texted me immediately wanting to talk but I made him wait til the following day. He came over the following day and told me that the entire thing was a huge mistake ... he had slept with her in the first place because he felt distant from me and once he did so, he was so ashamed and didnt want me to knwo the truth (he assumed he had already ruined our relationship) so he figured moving out of my parents' and breaking up with me was the right thing to do. He couldnt follow through with the breakup because he said he didnt love her - but it only made him realize how much he wanted to be with me. He said he was unhappy with her and that's why she tracked me down - she wanted me out of hte picture- and he had been planning to move in with me and tell me, but he was afraid it would tear me apart. I may sound so blind, but I really believe he DOES love me. He immediately broke things off with her - moved in my place (where he slept on the couch for quite a while), I just had to have him out of her house - and was accountable to me every night ... calling constantly when we werent together.
Problem: he's a last semester senior in college and his internship takes place at his work - where she's his boss ... if he quit, he wouldnt graduate, so I told him to stay at his job until December ... on the condition that NOTHING strikes me as suspicious - which it hasnt.
Sending him off to work every day is really hard - but we have a deal that he will get a new job the day he graduates.
I want to trust him again. I really honestly believe that I'm his best friend and that he couldnt love her the way he loves me - I know him. I realize I may sound like a complete fool, and maybe I am, but dont I owe it to MYSELF to give him a chance?
We talk abotu the incident EVERY day ... because I bring it up, I guess Im hoping he'll just say what I need to hear ... and things between us are going good but I need to stop talking about it and stop letting it consume my every thought ... HOW???
Please help ... I want to get past this.
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