Posted by Abby on 2/18/2007, 10:14 am
It's been almost a year. I'm getting better at managing my thoughts nad ruminations on the A. I'm getting better at dealing with certain triggers. But every once in a while, I get hit upside the head with something that just floors me. I was looking for a notepad yesterday and the one I pulled out had 2 old notes still attached. The first one was a notation that I had made of a message my H left on the answering machine that day which said 'I'm down at work, just wanted you to know, I'll explain evertyhing when I get home. And I added to the note SO EXPLAIN, because I wasn't sure I would see my H. He had been staying out a lot, not coming home from work all day (he works nights. True to form, he wasn't there when I got home from work so I left him another note, the second one on the pad I found that said that I would be home a certain time so PLEASE BE THERE. These were written 2 days before D-day. So you can see how finding these notes would upset me greatly. It was just an extremely tangible reminder of everything. i showed them to my H and he just said 'don't torture yourself, just shred them.' I told him I'm not torturing myself, whawt he did tortures me. He looked pained and didn't say anything. He doesn't like reminders, either. But what drives me crazy is that, and he really has been very open with his actions, loving, etc and he said he was sorry he ever did it, it shouldn't have happened, but what drives me crazy is that I don't want him to remember the A, but I also don't want him to ever forget that he broke my heart by something that he did. I'm scared that he'll forget that.
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