Posted by Lily on 2/17/2007, 10:58 am, in reply to "Is It Time To Leave ?"
Stan: From your post I am guessing her A was some years ago and, as far as you know, she has not strayed since. Since you are still living the same way you did before the A was discovered it seems that maybe some step in recovery was missed. Did your W ever show real remorse at hurting you? Did you ever show her the depth of the pain she had caused? If you both have a high wall between you that you never let the other climb over then you will be stuck living together but separately. Counceling just for you might help you make a decision about what to do next. She might start wondering about your counceling sessions after a time and perhaps would decide to join you. Clearly your relationship needs shaking up big time if there is to be a warmer relationship and then it takes continuous work to change old patterns of how you relate to each other. Leaving is an option at all times but just because the kids are grown it doesn't make it an easy option. All the family dinners, grandkids births and events etc will continue on forever but after a divorce they will not be the same. What you and your W decide will affect your grown children and your grandchildren just as much now as it would have when they were younger. I also had the same type of marriage you have but chose to stay because of the family. My H, like your W, seemed detached but it also was the way his parents marriage was so it was a learned thing and this emotional detachment can be unlearned with effort. Whether your W is willing to put out the effort will be the key to your decision. If you know you don't want to continue this way then it is time to tell her how lost and alone you feel. Give her the chance to see the truth and hope she opens up in return.
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