Posted by jacksjill on 1/22/2007, 8:48 am
My H is a coach, has been for years. 2 years ago got a new asst., a woman. She is in incredible shape, runs with the girls, does all the workouts, etc. I noticed a year ago how my H changes around her. I "felt" something was up. Started openly checking our cell. He quit using the phone, and was angry at me for checking it. Which made me even more suspicious, I wouldn't care if he checked it to see who I was calling. He started wearing cologne, bought himself new clothes when I wasn't with him. We went out of town for a Dr. visit 100 miles from homes, and we see her in the mall, she took off work and made the trip, the very same day! Just cooincidence he says. On the online bill, there were many calls to her cell, home, and work number, that weren't on our phone, assuming he deleted them. I kept watching and paying more attention. A chance meeting, takes them to a championship game, alone, out of town for the evening. He was going to work on the field, at the last minute, I decided to go with him and take our dog. He was NERVOUS. Kept using the cell phone to call a guy that was supposed to help him, but hadn't showed up at the field. He was frustrated and angry, saying it was b/c his help didn't show. Pretty soon, SHe showed up, to help. I just stood back and watched, pretending to play with the dog. She never helped, but stood by his side, talking and laughing. When we got home, I checked the cell. He had called this guy, who was supposed to help, but also called her, in between. I'm figuring to tell her not to show up, b/c I was there, and kept calling the guy so it looked like they weren't gonna be there alone. The guy is a relative of mine, who plays in the golf league, that same night every week. He had no plans to be the field to help. I asked H why she was there? He said he didn't know maybe he had mentioned to her that he didn't have much help, and she just decided to show up. Another cooincidence! They stood together after games and practices away from everyone for 10-15 minutes talking about "the team". He knew what she was doing on the weekends. He took me to where she works, and then showed me what building she works in, which at the time I thought was odd, but said nothing. He seemed to know too many things about her "life" for just being his asst. I kept watching, and saying nothing more about my suspicions. Many times he had field maintenance, team "things", was gone more than home. He kept talking about her, how great she was, what good shape she was in, even telling her in front of me "Your fantastic!" B/c she had taken over a practice for him. She was stopping at our house, every night, with some team excuse. They would sit on the porch, he wouldn't invite her in the house. He was gonna have a meeting at her house, to talk about the team. I asked if her husband would be home? He got angry. I said do you really think that looks good, when noone is there? What would people think? He grudgingly agreed. They were e-mailing each other from work, numerous times during the day, which at the time he would tell me in general conversations. He was angry before a game and I asked what was wrong, and blurted out that the team was not organized for the game and "SHe has to come to games dressed like a teenager! Her @ss is hanging out like she is 16 or something!" I was stunned, but said nothing. The longer we went, the more I watched, and kept track, the more distant he became. He started treating our youngest son who was the apple of his eye, with indifference and anger, pretty much picking him apart for everything. My son said "What is the matter with Dad, I don't even know who he is anymore?" That was it...I Finally had enough and confronted him. He denied everything, of course. When I asked specific questions ie: phone calls not on our phoneand the bill, the out of town game, her coming to the field, his outburst at the way she dresses etc. he would scream I was nitpicking and attacking him with stupid questions! He had no answers. I told him not to tell her of my suspicions, and I meant it! (I did this for a reason) This was during the "season", she started treating me differently, so I knew he had told her. She pretty much ignored me, stayed away from me, didn't call, didn't stop by our house anymore. After some pretty nasty fights, he seemed real attentive, and said he was sorry for being distant, and realized how he got too involved in the sport, and needed to spend more time home, and with his family. Too many suspect behaviors, ways he was acting, things he said that I caught, but didn't say anything to him. I didn't believe "nothing had happened". I kept watching. He said he would take time off from coaching. I asked him to make a choice, coaching without her, no coaching, or continue coaching with her and I was leaving. He immediately made the case for a divorce. Then changed, and said he would give up coaching. His reason for not wanting to coach without her, was she had done nothing wrong, and how was he gonna explain to her, that she couldn't be his asst. anymore, and he would have to hurt her feelings. I gave him many options how he could get a new asst. and not hurt her feelings. He said the ony thing he could do was not coach, he wouldn't hurt her, b/c I was being unjustly jealous. That to me, was suspect. If my husband thought I was having an affair, that person would be out of my ife, if nothing was going on. After a couple weeks, he kept bringing up little hints, about coaching next season. I said...I thought we weren't doing that anymore? I think he was testing me to see if I meant it. All of a sudden, at games, during bus rides, she starts lecturing me on what a wonderful husband I have. He is so caring, he is never negative, what a wonderful person he is, how lucky the team is to have him, he has done wonders with the program, how much the players have learned from him, and what a positive impact he has had not just in the sport but in their lives.....etc. Why all of a sudden was she talking to me...and now about my husband? B/c he had told her of my suspicions? so she thought if she was nice to me, and convinced me what a wonderful guy and coach he is, he wouldn't have to make a choice? I stood my ground with him. After the season ended, we saw her in the grocery store, she walked by both of us and didn't speak. If she was "just" his asst. coach, and nothing was going on, why would she ignore us? He said maybe she didn't see us...he didn't care if she spoke she was "just" his asst. and nothing more. This from the man who was willing to give up coaching so he didn't hurt her feelings?? Now he didn't even care if she spoke to him? It didn't make sense to me. Until a few days later he told me he had e-mailed her (from work) and said he "didn't think he would be coaching anymore, b/c of work conflicts". If that's what he told her, why would she not speak to him in the grocery store? Or was it something was going on, and he chose his family over her? Too many things don't add up to "nothing was going on".
He has not put in his resignation yet, so noone else knows. (that I know anyway) He still won't admit anything with her. I have a gut feeling, something was going on. After the initial confrontation, he was loving, attentive, and things were good. After the ultimatum, he is distant, quiet, depressed, and moody. Oh, one other thing, she has had affairs wiht married men before.
He won't admit it. I know in my heart something was up. We are at a standstill in our marriage, and I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this? He keeps telling me it's all in my head, I keep thinking I have never felt this way before in over 20 years of marriage. Now what do I do? Give him a little rope to hang himself? Give him time and space? Or keep trying to push myself into his life again, physically and emotionally?? I'm lost here.
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