Posted by Abby on 6/4/2006, 8:31 am
Well, my H and I had another visit with the MC and I think we may need to make a change. I initially got a list of counselors from my EAP and purposely chose a man because my H is something of a traditional male and doesn't open up much and I thought he would be more likely to repond to a man than a woman. But this guy MC hardly says anything, my H still isn't opening up and I end up doing most of the talking. I don't know, I kind of expected a counselor who would make suggestions of things we could do to improve our marriage. Isn't that what counselors are supposed to do? I know those being counseled have to talk but I do 95%. On the way down there, I told my H that he was going to have to do most of the talking because the last few times, it was mostly me, so he asked me how I was doing, which is what the MC always starts off with, "How are things going?". So the MC says it this time again and my husband just says "pretty good", then nothing. so the MC looks at me and I say that my H is doing some things to try and change, which I detail, like his more frequent phone calls, etc, but it's slow going and then I tell of some things that happened that he does that still make me upset about his behavior in relation to the A. I think I'll tell them here because the way the MC responded was truly lacking. The first thing was that, during the A, my H was asking our daughter, who works at a videogame store, to get games with her discount for the skank's son. Well, our daughter called and left a message on our machine about a game that had finally come in and did dad still want it for that kid. I called her back and said no. Our children do not know about the A. I told my H about the message and that I called our D back and he just made an offhand comment that maybe he could have sent it to the kid anonymously. Later, (I have delayed reactions), I told him he must be crazy, that if he had sent that game, she would have known it was from him and she would have thought there was still something. The second thing is that, we were going away for the weekend and he was TIVOing some upcoming stuff on channels we were getting for free for the weekend. We get back, he goes to work that night, I check TIVO for something to watch before bed, and there's 3 soft porn shows that he scheduled. I watched them, they're the usual fake, fantasy sex with unrealistic, airbrushed, YOUNG women and I deleted them. I told him the next day that I couldn't believe he TIVOed those, knowing how I feel about the fact that the A was with a 22 year old. The third thing was that something made me ask my H if he ever stopped at the 7-11 where he met her 2 years ago in the middle of the night when he was going to the the second location of his job (he oversees 2 locations) and he said a couple of times. I immediately started crying and he said she would never be there, if she were he would ignore her, it's right on the way and his bank machine is there, blah, blah. I told him he can't EVER go there again and he promised he wouldn't but I don't think he really understands why. I told all this to the MC in the hopes he would explain why these things are upsetting to me. I believe my H when he says he will never have another A but I don't believe he has really taken responsibility for the wrongness of this one. The only thing the MC said was did you think about Abby's reactions before you did these things and he said no, not really. I kind of expected the MC to tell him that he MUST think more about how I feel about things he does and give him some suggestions or prompts to do that, but no. Then the MC asked if I had these thoughts about no more affairs more in my head or in my emotions, like i could do something about how I feel about these things rather than my H just not doing them. I also told my H something the other day and his response kind of floored me. I told him that when he said that the OW meant nothing to him and that the A had nothing to do with me, that doesn't make me feel better because that means that he can put me and our marriage aside in some compartment in his life and I will not be put aside. His response was " so you mean it has to be a 100% commitment?" I was leaving for work when this took place and I'm thinking while I'm driving, DUH, where has he been for the last 30 years of our marriage? Of course, I guess through my actions somehow I never made it clear to him that I expect 100% commitment, like I was giving.
But that's all changed. I told him the leash is REAL short from now on, at least for the forseeable future.
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