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Posted by Renee on 7/29/2003, 9:30 pm Hello! Some of you may remember me - I posted on the board several months ago after leaving my boyfriend/fiance (we weren't formally engaged but were planning on marriage). Long story, but I had decided to stay in the city I was living in for him, getting a job there, etc. all becuase _his_ whole life and family were there. After leaving him this December (with NO contact since - Yay!), I gave notice at my job this summer and have moved back all the way across the country to my hometown. I'm now set up here in a new apartment of my own and have a nice new job starting soon. My family is right nearby and I see my Mom and other family friends each day. This all sounds lovely, and it truly is - I feel honestly very blessed to have loving parents who have supported me through this process. But in many ways, after 7 months of daily work after leaving him, I feel in many ways worse now than I did in the initial weeks or months after leaving. I had lived in his city for 8 years of my life, and I am only 26 - a huge portion of my life - Around this time last year, he began to get inccreasingly verbally and emotionally abusive, and although I lived with it for awhile, eventually I became so anxious around him and so hurt by his words and actions that I forced myself to leave him. He would force me to have sex, be very verbally abusive to me even in public and would often disappear to be out on drug binges. I also found out he was cheating on me, possibly with multiple people. There was much more - including his minimizing my career, religion, women in general, etc, etc, etc. And yet his hold on me was enormous, becuase as so many of you have experienced, they are so charming in the beginning. He was a very wealthy man with a high-level job and therefore his control over me was even more pervasive in some ways. I was and am afriad to speak out to certain people about the truth of what happened becuase he is so well-connected and could possibly come after me. Honestly I don't think that would happen, but there were so many lies and so many people I thought of as my friends who stood by him instead that I just didn't know anymore. So I thought it was the healthiest decision for me to get out of that toxic environment (where most of my close friends were collegues of his) and move home to start a new life. Perhaps it is just a normal adjustment period, but it feels horrible. I have rarely felt more lonely in my entire life than now. I am in a much smaller, more conservative town, which is culture shock compared to the very urban and fast-paced life I was leading with him. There are many great things about my hometown - I feel much safer here, the cost of living is less, and I love being around my family. But I am so terrified financially. I had made so many of my plans around him - we had made all our plans together since we were getting married. Now all of that is over and I have a job where I am basically earning nothing - will have to get a 2nd job to pay my bills. I guess I feel incredibly angry becuase my decision to pursue my career (in education) was based in large part becuase he always said that I should pursue what I love and not worry about the money since he had more than enough for both of us. So I made certain career decisions with that in mind - I paid all my expenses - rent, food, etc. - while he paid for all the things we did together - vacations, etc. Now I am completely on my own, not in a partnership, and my new job pays me even _less_ than the one I had with him - to little to even pay my basic expenses. I enjoy what I do tremendously, but I feel like a complete fool for believing him when we had all those discussions about really pursing what I loved because he could afford to pay our extra expenses, and for things when we had children, etc. I would not have pursued what I am doing now without that partnership and now that I don't have it, what I make is literally not enough to survive. I always had dreams of going back to school overseas to get my training in architecture, and had been accepted to programs before I met my boyfriend. I am so confused right now, becuase I feel like I did put my dreams on hold when I met him, but I have already made the decision to move home, accepted a job for the year here, and it would be a huge financial committment to go back to gradaute school again. I also would hate to leave my family again but sometimes feel like I have traded pleasing one person (my ex) by living in his city for another group of people (my family) by living at home. I feel that my professional opportunites here are limited and I miss the intellectual life I had living in a larger city. Before I met my boyfriend, I lived overseas pursuing my career and had a great time - but so much fear is holding me back from pursuing that again - I would feel horrible leaving my family, I would be thousands of miles away from home, etc. But yesterday I heard something quite interesting that I would pass on to you roomies - Goldie Hawn was a guest on Oprah and an audience member asked her why she and Oprah both were in relationships but weren't married - and Goldie said something fascinating - She said that if all women were truly financially self-sufficient (as she and Oprah are) - knowing that they can stand on their own two feet without a man's money - then the entire picture of marriage would change radically - becuase women would truly be free to _choose_ to be in a marriage or not - they would be free becuase they would have the freedom to _survive_ she said. I thought this was profound - and probably even more so in the case of abusive relationships. Everything I did, all the choices I made when I was with my ex were HIS choices - cutting my life down to fit his - becuase it was so glamourous and everything was taken care of financially that I forgot my own dreams. I think remembering them is so painful sometimes, becuase I miss his companionship and the good parts of him so terribly each day. Every day I wonder if I made a mistake by leaving him becuase it has been 7 months and I still feel so alone. I really feel confused right now and wonder that direction I should take. I am so scared to move again and go back to school to pursue my career, but also know that is my route to financial independence and my own professional life. But I am so confused to whether that is the right path to follow when I already have a job, ties to my family here, etc. I am so exhausted and confused - and I think alot becuase of my ex's voice in my head that I was only moving to run away from my problems, that what I wanted to do was not realistic, etc. What do you think roomies? I would love any of your wise words ... Love, PS - I just saw the movie _Whale Rider_ - I really recommend it - a great inspirational tale especially for women.
166.70.14.199
Dear Friends,
I was not with him that entire time, but I had stayed there to be with him. I had gone to college and grad school there, and had happily agreed to stay when we planned on getting married.
Renee
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