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Posted by Ash (Moon Knight)
on 8/30/2008, 8:52 pm, in reply to "Evil Dead 4: War of Virtue (pt. 4) (Whatever Week)"
12.191.61.45
I know what you’re thinking.
Right about now you’re saying “Oh no…The Chosen One is dead so who’s gonna kill the bad guys, save the girl and get me a popcorn refill?” Well I hate to disappoint you, but this zombie-dismembering salesclerk doesn’t get paid enough to play nursemaid to a bunch of pantywaist readers.
After all I’m a little busy fighting for my life. Sure I look like a drunken yard gnome on the corner lot. But just like you don’t step on the King’s blue suede shoes, you can’t put this Detroit Deadite stomper down with a ton of fat chick on his chest squeezing the air out of his lungs.
I’ll be back just give me a few minutes.
Greed escorted Sheila through the corridor but stopped when she passed the dining area. She let out what could only be described as a squeal upon seeing the fallen Gluttony. She moved to her side as fast as her old bones could carry her, Sheila right behind her.
“My love!” Sheila knelt beside Ash’s nearly unconscious form. As Greed ran the many possibilities through her mind.
“He is a trickster! He has done this!” Greed shouted.
“Help me get her off of him, please I beg of thee.” Sheila tried rocking Gluttony’s bulbous body off of Ash but Greed appeared at her side and backhanded her to the floor.
“Let him die wench!”
“No.” Sheila scrambled to her knees then launched herself at Greed who shrugged off the attack and threw the girl into a nearby wall.
“Yo she-b###h! Nobody call’s the wench a wench but me!” Ash had managed to half free himself from beneath Gluttony’s body. His Boomstick in hand he leveled the weapon at Greed.
“You fool! No mortal weapon can harm us!”
Ash pulled the trigger and the Boomstick erupted, belching fire from the sawed off barrels. The load tore through Greed and into the wall behind her. She staggered back staring at the holes in her chest oblivious to the pain because of the shock over the weapon actually managing to hurt her before what ever she called a soul disappeared forever.
“My love! I have missed thee so much.” Sheila ran to Ash’s side and helped him free himself completely. “But how did you killed the witch if she could not be harmed by your weapon?”
“Dime loads. I filled the shells with dimes. Couldn’t think of anything else to even try on the old bag.” Ash stood up, walked to stand above her wrinkled old bones and ejected the shells from his Boomstick. “Best dollar eighty I ever spent.”
“My love what is your plan to free us from this wretched place?”
“How about don’t die? That’s about as far as I’ve gotten so far.”
>>> <<<
“What was that?” The soon to be new Wrath jumped up from the chair he was sitting in. “That sounded a lot like the fool’s Boomstick!”
“To hell with all this waiting around.” He opened the door and stuck his head out. At the end of the corridor he saw the Chosen One and his wench disappear into another hall. “You’re mine now!”
Making his way through the twisting corridors he quickly came to a closed door and not knowing exactly where Ash and the woman had went he opened it and found it filled with the bodies of the other Sins’s victims. “I like how these people operate.”
Kneeling beside the bodies he waved his hand over them while reciting a verse he had memorized from the Necronomicon and soon the bodies began to stir. “Yes. These will do nicely. Goody Two shoes will not escape my Army of Darkness this time!”
>>> <<<
Ash and Sheila walked through the entrance to Sloth’s suspension chamber as the Sin turned to face them. “Are you ready to give yourself to us?”
“Nope. See I’m came here to finish you off.” Ash stepped toward the tank and heard Sheila cry out in surprise. He turned to see her being pulled back into the hallway. “Sheila!”
He ran to the door turning the corner he slid to a stop as he looked upon the Evil Ash and a squad of undead soldiers who had Sheila between them. “Seriously how many times do I have to kill you?”
“Just one more time!” Evil Ash yelled with glee then he caught himself realizing what he had just said. “No wait this is the last time we shall face each other!”
“I liked your first idea better.” Ash flicked his arm starting his chainsaw and leveled his Boomstick at Evil Ash. “Who wants a taste?”
Evil Ash waved his arm forward and his undead swarmed past him toward Ash.
“Hey! Whoa! One at a time! Usually at least one runs!” Ash back peddled out of the corridor hacking and slashing with his chainsaw as the Boomstick fired many times over.
Evil Ash laughed and stepped beside Sheila. “Hey doll remember me?”
“My Love! Help me!”
“Just a second baby cakes! I’m trying to stay alive here!” Ash nearly fell to the ground under the weight of the undead swarming him but in true Chosen One fashion he managed to stay on his feet.
Okay so I ran, but a retreat can be one of the best strategies you can put into effect especially when being attacked by mindless zombies.
The undead had dropped by half and when Ash finally stopped again to face them he was ready for them.
“I’ll swallow your soul!” An undead soldier charged at him.
“Swallow this!” Both barrels of his Boomstick erupted taking its head clean off its shoulders. The next met his chainsaw and it shuddered as pieces flew from its body in every direction. By then the Boomstick was reloaded and it sounded again and again.
“How about you and me go see what’s left of Goody Two Shoes?” Evil Ash moved his hand down to Sheila’s butt. “Nice to see you still got it.”
She spit on his face and he just smiled as he drug her around the corner. “Just for that I’ll be sure to bed you on what’s left of him!”
“Sorry but nobody’s bedding her but me.”
Evil Ash looked at the scene before him and his eyes widened in surprise. “How do you keep managing to do that!”
“That’s kinda the point isn’t it? Disrupt the spell or stop the freaks or save the world. It’s what I do.” Ash snapped the Boomstick up under Evil Ash’s chin. ” I am the original tough guy. You, you’re just a cheap knock off”
“You will die next time I see you!” Evil Ash shouted in defiance before the shotgun roared taking his head off his shoulders.
“You keep saying that. You got to admit its getting old by now.” Ash took Sheila in his arms once more.
“My love!”
“Listen baby just stay with the program. Don’t do something movie-chick stupid and we’ll be fine.” Ash pushed her behind him. “Now lets go see what the bloated toad in the tank has to say about all this.”
Sloth’s laughter echoed through the room where he floated in his suspension chamber as they returned. “Do you really think you have won the day? You are nothing and no matter what you do we will return!”
“You think this is funny? I just kicked Deadite asses into ash and you think you can talk to me like that?” Ash stepped up to the suspension tank and began tapping it with his chainsaw. “You see I may be your average run of the mill guy but I’m also the Chosen One. You see this here lazy? This is a chainsaw--”
“Mortal weapons will not harm me!”
“Heard that before but I figured something out as I was waiting on you mopes to get me my Sheila back.” Ash smiled and ignited the engine on the chainsaw. “This may not normally be able to hurt you but if I’m diligent and keep trying no matter how long it takes, I bet it’ll work.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“See that’s where you’re wrong. I would dare. In fact I think I’m gonna enjoy carving your pathetic ass up for the next…well I really don’t care how long it takes.” Ash swung the chainsaw back and brought it into the side of the tank with all his might. The resulting wave of fluids washed over him, dragging him away from the tank in the rush of water. In mid flush he was able to reach out and latch onto Sloth as his near muscle less form washed by. As the water flow ebbed he straddled Sloth’s weak form and brought his chainsaw down into his flesh.
“I should’ve brought some wet naps. I got a feeling this is gonna get messy.” Ash paused only long enough to clear the bodily fluids from his eyes before going back to work with the chainsaw.
***Split***
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