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Posted by Ash (Moon Knight)
on 8/30/2008, 8:50 pm, in reply to "Evil Dead 4: War of Virtue (pt. 2)"
12.191.61.45
This is a big story; a chronicle of legendary hero as he faces impossible odds, fantastic creatures, diabolical villains and powerful evil. It’s an epic narrative, which recounts an adventure that will eventually grow to mythic proportions and span the ages. This tale – this grand monumental, towering spectacle – like so many before started with a simple man.
A man named Ash.
See this thing in my cellar is just the latest Deadite mind-f#@k of this twisted trip through dis-membrey lane. They want me to join them. They want to take the last shred of my sanity. They want to swallow my soul like a spiritual oyster at the Deadite clambake. But just like sushi that’s been in the sun too long, you might choke it down, but Ash’ll rip up your guts like a razor blade smoothie. That’s right, now pass the spring roll and the chainsaw and watch the chum fly!
Ash stepped back from Livius and wiped his hand through his hair his hand near the shotgun strapped on his back but kept his chainsaw between them.
Livius sighed again. “I am Envy. One of the Seven Deadly Sins. Embodiment in the flesh. NOT A DEADITE! I offer you a place with in our ranks as Pride. You will not grow old. You will not die. You can not be harmed by any mortal means.”
“Hey sounds groovy but I’m just a guy--“
“We have watched your actions. You defeated the Army of Darkness. Taken on the forces of the Necronomicon at every turn. You even hold it a bay as we speak. I will not mention the other deeds you pride yourself on.” Envy smiled. “I’m the Chosen One. Hail to the King Baby. Is any of this sounding familiar?”
“Yeah.” Ash sank down a little his shoulders slumped. Then with the heightened reflexes only a well trained Chosen One has he pulled the shotgun from his back and fired two more rounds point blank into Envy’s face.
“Will you stop that!”
“Had to try.” Ash slid the Boomstick back into its holster on his shoulder. “Is there pension plan with gig?”
Envy sighed.
“Do I get a tour? A probation period?” Ash asked then he turned toward the chest on the floor. “You want me to bring the book?”
“This has nothing to do with the Necronomicon ex Mortis!”
“Been awhile when anything in my life didn’t revolve around that thing.” Ash pursed his lips and almost spoke again when two figures appeared on the stairs above them. “Gaah!”
Envy did not seem pleased at the new arrivals. “You! What are you doing here?”
“Why we didn’t think you were up to the task.” Lust sauntered down the steps her thigh showing through the long slit of her dress. “You should be used to that by now little Envy.”
“What do you know? A little fanboy geek in the real world and still a dweebie nerd loser even when immortal. Who’da thunk it?” Ash stared at the two women for entirely different reasons.
Envy looked at Lust then back at Ash. “Our new Pride seems to have taken an interest in you. Too bad you can’t have him.” He began laughing.
“He has not been conscripted yet. I may have him yet you little idiot!” Lust shouted at the boy.
“Hey hey ladies. There’s plenty of Ash to go around. No need to fight.” Ash stepped between them then shot a glance at Envy. “I was referring to the blonde and the big girl kid so don’t get any ideas about you and me.”
Gluttonty blushed and lowered her gaze.
“You will not touch her!” Envy shouted as he shoved Ash around and locked his eyes with him.
“Listen up kid.” Ash slammed into the wall holding him in place with his elbow, which showed the tattoo on his arm that read Klattu! Verata! Niktu!! Just incase he ever needed to remember them again. “My Boomstick may not kill you or hurt even but I can bet it would sure get annoying to go through the rest of eternity wking up to a load of buckshot every time you turned a corner or looked away so you need to take a chill pill. I aint making moves on your crush. Not that I got anything against big girls. Hey they need sugar too and daddy definitely has a sweet tooth.”
“Release me or I will end your miserable life where you stand.”
“You and what Army of Darkness pal? Just cause you got a little invulnerability and some attitude you think you can take down Ash!?! Well tougher creeps have tried and died. So you can see where I’m going with this…you piss off Ash you end up on the business end of a chainsaw!”
“Down boys.” Lust rubbed her hand down Ash’s tattoo. “Nice. Got any more?”
“Hey baby you want to see the rest of me you got to pay the admission price.” Ash held her close. “Now’s the time we talk about what I get out of this deal.”
Lust let her hand drift to his chest. “What is it you want?”
“How ‘bout I talk to the person in charge of this shindig.” Ash moved away from her even though it was tempting as hell to stay. “But first I got to get some stuff. Be right back.”
>>> Seven Deadly Sins Sanctuary <<<
“Hey now that’s what I call service!” The undead warrior stood above the scrying pool and watched as Envy, Lust & Gluttony waited on Ash to return with his belongings. “This is better than breakfast in bed.”
“Ah of course. Would you expect any less? Now Greed could you escort Wrath to his chambers and then return quickly so we can prepare the conscription ritual?” The floating bloated man spoke with just a hint of trepidation.
After a few minutes she returned. “What are we to do?”
“There is a decision at hand that must be made. Let us see what Pride’s request is then we shall vote upon which of the two we shall keep.” Sloths hands rubbed together. “It matters not for surely either one will finish the other upon agreement.”
A bright blue smoke appeared nearby and a portal opened as the quartet arrived. Ash was first through the portal and after shaking away the nauseous feeling he looked around at the dark chamber lit with the flames of torches and the odd blue glow from the suspension chamber. “What you gotta be kidding me? Where’s my rainbow? Or at least a flock of doves released on cue as I stepped into the room? Would that be too much to ask?”
“Welcome to your potential home.” Sloth let his legs dangle in the chamber giving him the look of standing.
“Well its about time we got to business of introductions. Name’s Ash course you already knew that given what Nerdy, Fatty and Whorey said earlier.” Ash looked around the chamber and it gave him the willies. “And I haven’t agreed to anything yet so don’t go getting all you are ours yet on me.”
“Of course, of course, there is a slight snag in our devices that just arose prior to your arrival that will delay our decision.” Greed stepped away from the suspension chamber.
“Bubba-Hotep! I thought Deady there was a mummy or something not an actual person.” Ash looked her over and even poked her with his finger. “Could have sworn it was one of them Disney auto erotics things like they got in It’s a Small World. You need to get some sun lady. Maybe a little food too, I’m sure the fat chick has plenty.”
“Careful with that finger it’d be awfully hard to waggle it if its broken in half.” Greed snapped.
“Easy grandma. No need to send the dentures flyin’.” Ash raised his palms up. “I mean we all know how expensive they are right, let me guess Greed?”
“Your guess would be correct.”
“See Ash may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch when it comes to book learnin’ but I know a thing or two ‘bout saving the world from evil old hags and you definitely fall into that category.” Ash smiled as he stepped back and turned to Sloth speaking before Greed had a chance to respond. “Now how about getting me what I want?”
“What would that be?” Sloth slithered to the top of the tank.
“See its been awhile since I been around this kinda thing, so excuse me if I’m a little slow on the uptake and all but if you can do the types of things they say you people can then my request should be easy.” Ash walked up to the suspension chamber and looked up. “Sheila.”
“A woman!?! That is all you want?” Lust’s laughter echoed through the chamber. “I can make you experience the throws of passion like none before!”
“Silence Lust!” Sloth looked upon Ash and thought for a moment. “That is all you request? Nothing else?”
“You get me Sheila and then we’ll talk about the whole thingiemajiggy or what ever it is you people do. Tell you what I’ll just retire for awhile and you get your little heads together for a meeting of the mind and come see me if you can’t or send her to me if you can. Sound fair?” Ash looked at the many doors then paused. “And how is it your all here looking to replace someone with me if your all immortal beings?”
“There is a constant war with the Virtues and this time they won the battle. Wrath and Pride fell in combat--”
Now this is the part where he went into great detail and really it did sound like a pretty good story might even be a decent flick if they got the right director for it, maybe that Raimi guy who did Spider-man. When really it all came down to two gangs had a fight and instead of bloods and crips you had some sado masochistic looking idiots and another group that looked just as weird but more churchy who won the fight and off’d a couple of the emo kids.
Read on…
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