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Posted by Ash (Moon Knight)
on 8/30/2008, 8:47 pm, in reply to "Evil Dead 4: War of Virtue"
12.191.61.45
I should have known this was too good to be true. See the Deadites got into my hand and it went bad years ago. So I lopped it off at the wrist. It was kind of a modern “Farewell to Arms.” Never read it myself but the title says it all. That was the beginning of my time as The Chosen One. This little scene is just the latest Deadite kick in the balls. When stuff like this happens to you regularly, you learn real quick to wear a cup every day.
Hazard of the job and all.
The name’s Ash, Housewares Domestic Engineer, Detroit S-Mart. Oh yeah and I am the Chosen One. It wasn’t always this way. I had a real life once. A long time ago in a S-Mart far, far away. But all that is ancient history; just like the Romans and their pyramids. Now I’ve only got two things in life that matter to me. Cutting any dumbass Deadites that get in my way into handy dandy bury able bits…and not letting anyone else get their grubby little hands on that damned book.
“That little fool! I told you not to send him!”
“Leave it be. We ALL decided to send Envy. We ALL decided he would be the best to recruit our newest candidate.” The voice floated in from above the scrying pool that swirled with the magic that revealed the scene of Ash holding the young Livius at gunpoint. “Besides it is not good manners to question an already made decision.”
“Sloth is right as usual Gluttony. Leave it be. I’m sure Envy will do his best ” The gorgeous blonde haired woman brushed her hair back from her eyes. “Hmmmm he is quite the man isn’t he?”
“Keep your hands and everything else off of him! You know the rules. No fraternizing with the others!” A wrinkled old woman scurried into the room a long walking stick leading the way.
“Perhaps if I bedded him before his conscription? Would that satisfy you, you old hag?” The blonde smiled seductively as only the chosen Lust could.
“No more than if you had fallen in battle against the Virtues rather than Wrath and Pride.” The old woman took too long to cross the floor to the scrying pool but the smile from her statement had not faded from her lips.
“Well I never! Here hag!” Lust removed several coins from her pocket and tossed back towards the door where the old woman had entered.
“You harlot!” The old woman shrieked as she scurried after the coins. “You will regret your taunts one day!”
“Harlot? Call me that again and you will be chasing dropped coins till the end of your days.” The blonde laughed as the large woman left her side to help the old woman. “Yes go help her you need the exercise anyway you fat cow!”
“Mind your place Lust! If you feel so converned over Envy doing his job why don’t you go assist him. And take Gluttony with you.” The booming voice caused Lust to jump slightly but she nodded and turned toward Gluttony and waved for her to follow as the portal opened before them. “Now tell me Greed, were you successful in locating our new Wrath?”
>>> Back at S-Mart <<<
“Just keep talking. I’m the chosen one – or so they keep telling me – and my business is putting down possessed creeps like you. I’ll stop you before you read the book and send your shriveled ass back to Neverland with the rest of the pansies.” Ash’s finger gripped the trigger ready to squeeze when Buck appeared around the corner of the isle.
“Jesus H Ash!” Buck stepped toward them his hands up. “Put the gun down Ash and Let go of the kid!”
“Can’t. Only good Deadite is a dead one.” Ash used his metal hand to force open the kids mouth, which he quickly filled with the barrel of his rifle.
Buck stepped back. “My God Ash! This isn’t one of your role playing games! You could kill him!”
“Sorry Buck. I’ve never been good at games. Well unless they involve a party, a hot chicks and a dark closet.” Ash smiled as he pushed the barrel until the kid gagged. “So lets play a different game. How’s truth or die sound? Now make with the answers or I teach you how to impersonate Dead Astaire.”
“Hey he can’t talk with a gun in his mouth now can he?” Buck stepped closer.
“Point.” Ash pulled the gun out of the kids mouth and Buck lunged for it pushing it away but Ash’s finger was too tight and the rifle fired, echoing through the store. “Cheese and rice Buck! This aint the movies, you could get someone killed!”
“And you can’t with putting a gun in his mouth?” Buck jerked on the gun but Ash wouldn’t let go.
Deadites don’t count Buck.” Ash jerked the gun free and stepped back. “How many times I got to tell you that?”
“What’s going on here!?!” The manager rounded the isle and locked eyes on Ash. “Williams! How many times do I have to tell you not to keep the damned gun loaded?”
“But--”
“No buts! You’re done for the day.” The manager pointed at the door. “Clock out and go home. Now!”
“This isn’t over.” Ash leaned in a whispered to Livius. “Not by a long shot.”
A Few Minutes Later
Well I heard about the fellow you've been dancing with
All over the neighbourhood
So why didn't you ask me baby
Or didn't you think I could?
Well I know that the boogaloo is out of sight
but the shingaling's the thing tonight
But if that was you and me a now baby
I would have shown you how to do it right
Do it right (U-huh)
Do it right (Do it right)
Dot it right
Do it right
Do it right
Aaaaaaahh!
Twistin’ shake it, shake it, shake it baby!
Ray Charles’s Shake Your Tail Feather blared from the Oldsmobile’s 8-track player as Ash pulled into his driveway. “Damn Deadites are coming back the book!”
The breaks squealed as Ash locked them up and jumped out running inside and making his way toward the basement where he kept the Necronomicon. He slipped on his rough shod steps he had carved out of the stone that led to his own private room, where the book was hidden and slapped his head into one of the support braces. “God-damned book. Why’s it always got to be in the damp dank dark whole that doesn’t belong to Paris Hilton!”
Ash pulled on the chest and began unlocking the locks then paused thinking better of it. “You book. You in there?”
“You are as feeble in mind as you are in body meat!” Came a muffled response.
“Whew!” Ash relaxed and leaned back against the wall of the little room. “Maybe I am going bat sh*t crazy. The Deadites surely would have come for the book if they’re here. They always do right?”
“I told you before I’m not a Deadite.”
“AAHH!” Ash jumped back in surprise as Livius stood on the stairs. With a flash he dove for a different side of the room ad popped up shotgun in hand.
“All right kid make sure you’re strapped in tight. I’m about to unleash some chosen one justice on you freak—with a little friend I call my Boomstick!” He unleashed several blasts from his sawed off shotgun. When the haze cleared Livius stood there no worse for wear as he brushed the buckshot off the remnants of his clothes. “Now that’s more than just a tad bit disheartening.”
Livius let out a sigh. “I told you I am not a Deadite. Your Boomstick can not harm me.”
“Oh yeah?” Ash dove again sailing uncannily threw the air his metal hand entering the back of the chainsaw hanging on the wall. With a quick flick of his arm it fired up to life with a roar. “I’m about to unleash a full on helping of Ashtastic whoop-ass on you freak!”
Livius didn’t move as the toothed blade churned into him.
Ash put all his weight and force into it the but kid didn’t budge and if he kept this up all he’d do is dull the teeth. He backed away and let the chainsaw idle. “Guess I should have expected this. You can’t just die like a good little ‘tard can you?”
Livius smiled. “I feel as though we need to have a little chat. I have a proposition for you.”
>>> Sanctuary of the Seven Deadly Sins <<<
“Well Greed were you successful or not?” The bulbous form of Sloth leered down at the frail old woman as he floated in a large fluid filled chamber. “Did you find our new Wrath?”
Greed nodded at the bloated man. “Of course I did but I fear there will be an issue.”
“Our scrying pool told of his immense hatred and our loss to the Virtues can not be over looked. We must prepare for the forthcoming war!” Sloth rolled in his tank to look directly at Greed. “Bring him in! I wish to welcome our new Wrath with open arms!”
“As you wish.” Greed nodded and bit her tongue instead of telling him her thoughts on the matter. “Wrath! Enter!”
The clank of armor sounded as the chamber fell into silence as he strode in.
Sloth nearly did a back flip in his suspension chamber as Greed smiled knowingly.
Wrath raised his eyes to look at the embodiment of two of the Seven Deadly Sins before him. “So I hear you can help me find a certain little goody two shoes?”
“What you like you’ve never seen an undead guy before? This is Hell isn’t it?”
Read on…
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