Posted by seesthru, TC ADvisor on 11/7/2009, 10:27 am, in reply to "((((Lisa))) you have a very strong attitude"

HI Pat! (((((((((HUGS)))))))) I don't think there is any comparing the two.THe trauma and loss you suffered and seeing what you saw is why you are having such a dfficult time. I don't know of a person on earth who would not have the trouble you are having if they experienced what you did. My father apparently fell asleep while reading and died in his sleep. THere is something more paceful knowing he probably felt no pain and was unaware. I know my first stepmother , who died of ALS, had a difficult death. THat one haunts me more because i was there, I saw her die, and it was agonizing for her. I had been one of her caregivers and I felt as if somehow I had not been successful, that it was my fault. ALS kills, slowly and there is no cure. But still. THe reason I first sought psychiatric care for myself was because I couldnt' get rid of the anger. I react to death with anger. I dont' know why. I internalize it. I don't cry. I just get angry inside. Even with Dad's death, I have anger. I dont' know cause of death, and his widow is not a very nice person and never was so I'm resolving feelings about how she was all the years she was married to my dad. At the same time though, I knowI am free of her. I dont' have to take the verbal abuse or insults just to keep my Dad happy any longer. That's a good thing. I hang on to that fact. I'm parentless but I am also very free to be me and be as kind or as difficult as I need to be. I no longer have to protect my parents feelings. Strange huh? I know I sound callous at times. I love my Dad. I love my Mom. I'd rather have them back.However since they can't come back, I can parent myself now. As my own parent, I'm going to be a protector of my own feelings I think. Pat what I am dealing with is very natural. Losing a parent happens if we live long enough. WHat you are dealing with is not a natural part oflife. It's going to take more time. I want you to allow yourself more time okay? YOu are a strong person too. Right now it doesn't feel that was I know. BUt you ARE a very strong and brave person. You are suffering from PTSD . Anyone who saw what you saw, dealt with what you dealt with would experience it, and not everyone would have handled it as well as you. We are all different. I want you to know it's okay to fall apart. It's okayto not be okay right now. ((((((((HUGS)))))) We love you. Slowly, very very slowly, it will start to get better I think. Just know, that I'm not stronger than you. I have experienced the loss of a prent to a natural death, or what I believe is a natural death. THat is so much different than losing a person to suicide. I am the one who admires YOU. (((((((((HUGS)))))) and much love

 Post a Response