Posted by hiding on June 13, 2008, 4:53 pm, in reply to "Re: Separation"
Thanks for your response Amy. I guess I prefer separation because it's not as final. Since I told my H about my feelings and relationship with GF, it's only been 3 weeks....things have moved very fast from there. He was shocked and hurt...I'm confused, but know that (and I'm not making excuses) one of the reasons I cheated was because our marriage has not been happy for some time. He wants to work on things--I'm not sure if the things that are wrong with our marriage are fixable--especially since I'm struggling with sexuality issues. BUT, because it's been so fast, I feel like I might be somewhat irrational...I want to do the separation because I feel trapped right now and don't think we can work on anything while living in the same house. I feel like I need to work on me and he needs to work on himself (he's an alcoholic) before we can have any sort of "fresh start". I guess I feel like I can't throw away 7 years of marriage and many more years of dating in a time period of 3 weeks (even though I'm realistic that the problems started much, much longer ago). I feel like I deserve that and I owe it to hiim and our son. I don't think we would do a legal separation--I think we can agree on things. I've heard that a legal separation is as expensive as divorce...
--Previous Message-- : I guess the question is why do you prefer : separation over divorce? I separated from my : H before we got divorced for two years : simply because we couldn't agree on the : terms. I was not going to live with someone : just because he was too unreasonable to : agree on assets and debts. So out he moved. : : I filed for divorce the same day I changed : the locks and got a restraining order. It : didn't come to fruition for another two long : years. : : I didn't really take an approach. He begged : me to stay but his actions made it : impossible for us to live together. We : finally had a huge fight and I left to visit : my mother. I told him to be gone when I came : home. He was. We had talked about it before, : I brought it up because he was taking out : his frustration on me for not being able to : be the wife he wanted. But we had agreed to : try to stay together because I thought his : mental health was too tenuous to ask him to : leave. I didn't realize it, but by doing : that I was encouraging him to stay unstable : and leading him on about a future that I : knew couldn't exist. : : So, I guess I would wonder what the : advantage of separation is? You still need : to agree on the assets and debts in the : exact same manner as divorce if you get a : legal separation. And you still need to deal : with custody. Why is it that you don't want : to divorce if you are willing to separate? : : I don't have kids, so I don't have much to : offer there. My parents told me that they : had decided that they needed to separate and : that I would be living with my mom. I took : it fine. : : --Previous Message-- : Looking for advice for those that have been : or : are separated from their spouses...I'm going : to talk with my H about it tonight. We : talked a little about this a couple of : nights ago--he was more inclined towards : divorce--he doesn't want to wait around to : be hurt again...I really think separation is : the way to go. We're talking again tonight : and I've started looking at rentals. I : guess I'm wondering a couple of things: : What approach did you take? did you set a : timeline? If you have children: how did you : approach custody....and if you have young : children (mine is 4 and a half), how did you : tell them? Thanks! : : :