Posted by scaredtobeme on November 7, 2009, 2:15 pm
When I began my relationship with my GF 2 1/2 years ago I was naive and thought everything would go exactly as planned and I would have complete control of everything. Fast forward to today, I am not so naive anymore. I feel like I have lost complete control of everything. I am dressing the part more and more, people are starting to assume that I am, but they never take the time to ask me. Instead they talk about it when I am not around. If they would just take the time to ask me, I would be happy to tell them my story, but they do not want to know my story, the just want to make their own assumptions about who I am. We planned to tell her H and my H, friends, and family in our own time. That own time is not so real anymore. I told my H way before anyone else because he asked. Her H found a note that I wrote to her in the beginning of our relationship. He told her sister. Her sister told her mom. We are pretty sure that her in-laws know. After the letter and her H sharing it with who he felt like sharing it with, I thought things were somewhat back under my control, especially when it came to the decision to divorce.
My H asked last night if I wanted him to leave. I was so shocked, I did not even know what to say. I was scared and nervous. My answer was that I had to work some things out in my mind and that when I had come to a conclusion I would let him know. He translated that into, me wanting to leave now and me taking our D away from him. The truth is that I am not ready to walk away at this point, more for financial reasons than anything and I am definitely not going to take our D away from him. Since the conversation last night we have not really talked. He left to go to work this morning and never said goodbye. Since then though he has sent me a text message asking me to reconsider because he would be financially unstable and that he would become an alcoholic. I do not even know how I am suppose to respond to that.
I told the GF this morning that he asked me if I wanted a divorce. I told her I was feeling nervous. I was terrified that she would walk away from me when it came to this point and her having to make a commitment to me exclusively. However, her response was quite different than I expected. She did what I trusted her to do and she said she would tell her H that she wanted it to be just us if I wanted her too. I should have never doubted her because she is truly on track this time with me and it is real and obvious she is in love with me. I told her not to rush to having that conversation. I want her to do it on her own time, not mine.
I just hope I make it through this without going insane. My journey is moving a little faster than I like and I wish I could gain control of it again. I know that I cannot so it is time to speed up and catch the journey before it runs away with me.
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