Posted by backwardstoad on November 7, 2009, 11:08 am
I just want to say a broad 'thank you" to those of you who've been so supportive while I was so depressed. Muddling through this water has been a smackdown to me. I've wavered enough to make myself dizzy. I am really grateful to those of you here who have been kind and gentle. I'm doing much better; the depression hasn't snatched me for a few months.
The big turn was when I moved out of the house I own with H for a few months, then returned to the house and moved downstairs. I really feel as though I drew a line between us and he at last understood that I was serious about the marriage not working for me, but the fighting stopped because we have both accepted that. He is fine with this arrangement. He doesn't want me to go. But something inside me has shifted. i feel at peace with the fact that I'm a lesbian. I'm out to my family. I feel that I am growing the wings (okay, since I'm a toad, the legs?) that are required for my next act. I'm not impatient with myself anymore. I can live here and feel confident that being a lesbian is what I am; that being in a primary relationship with a woman is more fulfilling, both emotionally and sexually; yet, I can also be pleased for the good things i enjoy in my current arrangement: My husband is kind, my kids love coming here, etc. I don't feel unsettled or like some force bigger than myself has picked me up and dropped me into hell anymore. I love myself and I love that I'm a lesbian. I love that I am looking forward to a more fulfilling life, yet being at peace with the one I'm in. I am still compelled to come here nearly every day for support. I find the posts of others to sometimes be so helpful, especially when we're talking about being married lesbians, and trying to figure out why that happened, and what will be required to change that or make peace with ourselves.
So that's all. Just "thanks." Happy day, everyone. Toady (not so backwards anymore)
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