Posted by backwardstoad on November 7, 2009, 10:16 am, in reply to "vulnerable confession"
Oh my goodness lily. Thanks for being vulnerable. I'm not sure I understood sex addiction. I'm going to go read about it more, or maybe you'd share some of the things you've read. So-- sex addiction can be that you are the object of desire, and that fills a need in both of you. So you don't really desire the sex for pleasure, am I understanding? But you want the sex because you enjoy that it gets his attention.
Frankly I always thought that was what sex was, until I had sex with my gf. I always thought it was about being objectified and turning on a men. Crazy, I know. So that doesn't help you but you did turn a lightbulb on over here.
So lily, I'm glad you're in therapy and talking about this so you can figure out how to deal with these feelings. This is really important. How can we know these things until we know them? I mean, if we're not talking to anyone about our sex life except (maybe) our partner, how do we know when what we're doing is not what real intimacy is about? I so "get" your post, and I just want to say "thank you" for saying this. I think this will have a lot of meaning for many women here. I didn't read the other replies so I'm writing straight from my reaction to yours, but you've said some powerful stuff and I'm really glad you put it out there. Culturally, as women, we aren't taught to value our own pleasure, so clearly giving pleasure CAN SEEM LIKE THE WHOLE ENCHILADA when it comes to sex.
I'm curious to know whether you fake orgasms. Is that too personal? I've faked them all the way through the marriage just to turn him on. I'm embarrassed to say that. Well, back to the drawing board for me.
Peace to you lily. I hope you feel understood and supported here -- you're a brave woman.
Toady
--Previous Message--
: I think the only way I know how to love a man
: is addictively. In the past this has
: certainly been the case, and now it's true
: with my H. I don't know how to love and
: desire a man 'normally'. I know how to
: pleasure a man and how to be sexy, but I
: don't know how to mix love and sex with men
: in a healthy way.
:
: THANK GOD I now know that I don't even
: desire sex with men in the same way that I
: desire women. Two completely different
: feelings. The addictive feeling is stronger,
: believe it or not, and has really come back
: to bite me in the ass these past few weeks.
: It's been confusing, separating the
: addictive feelings from the "real"
: feelings.
:
: I've sincerely been trying to work on this
: marriage. Trying to want him sexually. The
: only way I can do it is by becoming this
: object of sexuality vs REALLY desiring it
: apparantly. I think this has always been the
: case too. I don't really want it, but it's
: the only way I know how.
:
: I liked who I was becoming. I was getting
: healthy. I was focused on other things, and
: I felt good about myself.
:
: I think I am gay, but my childhood wounds
: have created this pain, and it also has
: acted as the perfect mask for my leabian
: feelings.
:
:
: If you don't know about sex addiction you
: might think it's all about sleeping with
: tons of people or neglecting your family.
: This is not the case for me, and I really
: have come to understand it over the past few
: years thru tons of therapy. In trying to
: "save" the marriage, this is the
: only thing I've got...sexually speaking that
: is. I don't want to have sex with him, and I
: don't know how to do it in a healthy way.
:
: He is thrilled BTW, and that makes the whole
: thing ever more sad.
:
: Has anyone else been thru this? It really
: adds a whole other dimension of confusion to
: the whole "gay or not gay"
: conundrum.
:
: Phew, I had to admit these things on here I
: think in order to move forward.
:
: Please don't judge me. Thanks for listening.
:
: GL
:
:
:
Message Thread:
« Back to thread