Posted by JB on November 6, 2009, 6:13 pm
Message modified by user JB November 6, 2009, 6:26 pm
My therapist was thrilled for me. She absolutely sees me in a different place with all of this. She'll have my SOC letter ready for the endocrinologist, dated after Dec. 1, when our new health insurance kicks in.
Before, I was terrified of Laurie leaving me, the kids rejecting me. Now, I'm simply not. I've worked through it all. There's space in my relationships for me to do this now, with love. They've changed. I've changed. I have a great support network in place. I'm ready to be totally honest about the one last thing that continues to be deceiving in my life (at least to others). My gender identity.
Next step: Sunday. Talking with a room full of transguys about the pros and cons of transitioning. I want to be able to speak with conviction about my plan not to fully transition. Believe me, some will take it as an affront. Most won't. But some will. Some will think I'm a pussy.
But I'm very clear about what I want and don't want. And I really do love those guys.
BTW, I meant what I said about my name. I don't want -- like I always thought I would -- to start using the name "Ben." Ben was my boy name. Ben was my adolescent name. I want to leave Ben behind with his/my childhood. But I don't want to be a set of initials forever either. "JB" reflected my state of gender flux, I guess. I find myself ready to move on from that as well.
So, I told my therapist tonight that I'm going to legally change my name to Jen, and drop the "nifer." I'm also considering changing the spelling of my middle name from Rae to Ray. Jen's ambiguous enough for me. Hell, Bishop Gene Robinson's first name is "Vicky" (for his father, Victor).
Keep 'em guessin, I always say ...
Thanks again for the support, guys.
Jen
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