Posted by greenlilly on November 6, 2009, 3:31 pm, in reply to "vulnerable confession"
Message modified by user greenlilly November 6, 2009, 3:32 pm
I hope this helps someone!
September 13, 2008, Gender
Identity Theft: Who owns the titles of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Heterosexual? Who determines who is heterosexual or not?
I often am asked by those struggling with sexual orientation issues how one truly knows if one is gay, lesbian or bisexual. We live in a society where there is full permission to explore, express and experiment with one's heterosexuality. However, anything different has to be done quietly, secretly, privately and on the Down Low.
This is changing each day with the younger generation who are embracing the term "bisexuality" and allowing themselves to experiment and calling it "cool" to do so. However, after the experimental stage is over, what is the person left with if they truly feel they are not straight?
Many lesbians, gay men and bisexuals insist that if someone has any tendency toward homosexual attractions that their identity must be gay, lesbian or at least bisexual and that if they don't claim it they are in denial. Many heterosexists-those who believe that sexual orientation can only be straight-believe that that any homosexual attraction is about behavior and not about identity. And still others are left confused and unsure and don't know where to turn or who to believe.
Related Articles
Passing Bi: Stage or Real Identity?
Surprise—Families Matter
F- You (Very Much): Pop star Lily Allen sums up the youth perspective on homophobia
A cartoon guide to sexual orientation
Unmasking subtle heterosexism: Microaggressions and microvalidations in everyday life
It is important that the person themselves decide what their own sexual and romantic identity is and that others do not decide for them. That said, there are some definitions which can help people organize their thoughts and feelings to help them gain an understanding of the true nature of their sexual orientation and identity.
For the sake of discussion, I'm going to offer some sweeping generalizations knowing, of course, there are many exceptions and additions to what I'm about to describe. Society is most comfortable when one's sexual preferences, behaviors and fantasies line up with their sexual identity and orientation. However, this is often not the case as was shown by Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey, a pioneering researcher on sexual orientation, originator of the "Kinsey Scale," and subject of the 2004 film Kinsey, suggested that most people's sexual behavior exists on a continuum from heterosexuality to homosexuality.
Sexual Preferences
These are sexual acts, positions and fantasies that someone prefers to have when engaging in sexual activity. They can take it or leave it however they enjoy it when they do it. This is different than sexual orientation which is one's identity. Sexual preferences can change over time and one can become more open or closed to certain sexual fantasies, behaviors and acts.
Sexual Behavior
Sexual Behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one's sexual partner. But the sexual behavior you engage in won't necessarily reflect your orientation.
Sexual Fantasies
Sexual Fantasies are any thoughts and ideas that arouse you. They can be about virtually anything-not just body parts, but clothing and shoes, and even natural objects such as trees and mountains-especially if they remind you of a previous erotic encounter. They can also be romantic-especially for women.
Sexual Identity or Orientation
Sexual identity or orientation refers to how someone self-identifies, and not how others may categorize him or her. Some self-identify as heterosexual (straight), gay or lesbian, bi-attractional (bisexual) or questioning (unsure). Sexual orientation is constant and does not change. This can be confusing when someone comes out of the closet. It looks as though the person changes orientation when in fact they are coming out to who they always really were. They stop role-playing the wrong orientation.
An example of the constancy of sexual orientation is a transsexual who undergoes gender reassignment surgery. I know of men who are heterosexual who feel they were born the wrong gender. They are sexually satisfied by females only. However they feel as though they are female themselves. They undergo a gender reassignment from male to female. They are now lesbians. They are not suddenly attracted to men just because they are now female. This is a good example of how sexual orientation is constant.
• A homosexual is a male or female who understands he or she is sexually attracted to other members of the same gender and may or may not have some romantic interest in them as well, but are not interested or has not yet come out of the closet toward lesbian or gay-identity development. This person may never come out of the closet or may never act on their same sex attractions. This person is not affirmative about their homosexuality, and if he or she does move in that direction, may not build a life around it.
• A gay man or lesbian is a person who is sexually and romantically attracted to other people of the same gender. He or she wants to and does develop their life to support his gay and lesbian identity. While they may start their identity development as self-identified "homosexuals," they usually move toward a positive and affirmative identity as "gay" or "lesbian". A gay man or lesbian's sexual orientation is characterized by lasting aesthetic attraction to, romantic love of, and sexual attraction exclusively and/or primarily for others of the same gender. A gay man and lesbian's sexual thoughts, fantasies and behavior are often primarily aligned. It's an identity based on affection, emotional, spiritual, psychological and sexual feelings exclusively or mostly toward members of the same gender.
• A SMSM (straight male who has sex with men) or SWSW (straight female who has sex with women) is a heterosexual male or female who has homo-erotic and same-sex attractions toward members of the same gender and who may or may not act on them. These individuals don't have romantic interests in members of the same gender whatsoever and are simply seeking sexual release. These men and women usually do not desire or notice other members of the same gender erotically; rather, they are sexually and romantically interested in the opposite sex only.
There is a sexual fluidity to these men and women often. Studying this phenomenon is Lisa Diamond who wrote a book called, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire. A great Q&A with Lisa Diamond on this topic exists in The Boston Globe.
• A bisexual or biattractional male and female is one who is sexually, emotionally and romantically interested in other men and women. These individuals may have a stronger sexual and/or romantic desire toward one gender or the other, but understands their identity is bisexual and that they could go either way sexually and romantically and feels affirmative about it.
In summary, one's sexual preference takes into account the desired sexual actions and fantasies with a partner. Sexual orientation encompasses a sexual identity with all the thoughts, feelings, fantasies and emotions that cause us to become sexually excited. The decision for how someone self-identifies whether it be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual or questioning is theirs-not someone else's.
--Previous Message--
: I think the only way I know how to love a man
: is addictively. In the past this has
: certainly been the case, and now it's true
: with my H. I don't know how to love and
: desire a man 'normally'. I know how to
: pleasure a man and how to be sexy, but I
: don't know how to mix love and sex with men
: in a healthy way.
:
: THANK GOD I now know that I don't even
: desire sex with men in the same way that I
: desire women. Two completely different
: feelings. The addictive feeling is stronger,
: believe it or not, and has really come back
: to bite me in the ass these past few weeks.
: It's been confusing, separating the
: addictive feelings from the "real"
: feelings.
:
: I've sincerely been trying to work on this
: marriage. Trying to want him sexually. The
: only way I can do it is by becoming this
: object of sexuality vs REALLY desiring it
: apparantly. I think this has always been the
: case too. I don't really want it, but it's
: the only way I know how.
:
: I liked who I was becoming. I was getting
: healthy. I was focused on other things, and
: I felt good about myself.
:
: I think I am gay, but my childhood wounds
: have created this pain, and it also has
: acted as the perfect mask for my leabian
: feelings.
:
:
: If you don't know about sex addiction you
: might think it's all about sleeping with
: tons of people or neglecting your family.
: This is not the case for me, and I really
: have come to understand it over the past few
: years thru tons of therapy. In trying to
: "save" the marriage, this is the
: only thing I've got...sexually speaking that
: is. I don't want to have sex with him, and I
: don't know how to do it in a healthy way.
:
: He is thrilled BTW, and that makes the whole
: thing ever more sad.
:
: Has anyone else been thru this? It really
: adds a whole other dimension of confusion to
: the whole "gay or not gay"
: conundrum.
:
: Phew, I had to admit these things on here I
: think in order to move forward.
:
: Please don't judge me. Thanks for listening.
:
: GL
:
:
: 
Message Thread:
« Back to thread