Posted by greenlilly on November 6, 2009, 3:26 pm, in reply to "No judgments here, either"
Thanks 
and welcome!
And maybe for you, it is the more fundamental question, rather than the question of your orientation.
YES I think so! I think the more I understand this, the more I see that it never was a question of orientation at all. Or at least, it was covering up my real orientation.
--Previous Message--
: Wow Greenlilly,
: I’m a new reader/poster here, but the tenor
: of this post is so different from others of
: yours in the recent past. Must have required
: tremendous heart and soul searching and I
: applaud you for your willingness to explore
: it and post. Gave me something to think
: about for myself, too.
:
: My circumstance is different in that I’ve
: always recognized my discomfort with being a
: woman trying to relate intimately/sexually
: with a man (a once out, then repressed
: lesbian, here). Did try for the first few
: years of marriage to be what I thought I was
: supposed to be—call it what you want; I’m
: actually afraid to try to name it—but I just
: couldn’t do it. It’s been 15 years since I
: last tried. That’s a long time.
: Unfortunately, my husband never made any
: demands of me, so we never challenged each
: other to try to figure this out. That’s
: another story of course.
:
: Anyway, for any of us it seems the challenge
: is to determine how to healthfully
: intertwine desire, love, and sex, whether
: with a man or a woman. And maybe for you, it
: is the more fundamental question, rather
: than the question of your orientation.
:
: Thanks for making me think.
:
:
: --Previous Message--
: I think the only way I know how to love a
: man
: is addictively. In the past this has
: certainly been the case, and now it's true
: with my H. I don't know how to love and
: desire a man 'normally'. I know how to
: pleasure a man and how to be sexy, but I
: don't know how to mix love and sex with men
: in a healthy way.
:
: THANK GOD I now know that I don't even
: desire sex with men in the same way that I
: desire women. Two completely different
: feelings. The addictive feeling is stronger,
: believe it or not, and has really come back
: to bite me in the ass these past few weeks.
: It's been confusing, separating the
: addictive feelings from the "real"
: feelings.
:
: I've sincerely been trying to work on this
: marriage. Trying to want him sexually. The
: only way I can do it is by becoming this
: object of sexuality vs REALLY desiring it
: apparantly. I think this has always been the
: case too. I don't really want it, but it's
: the only way I know how.
:
: I liked who I was becoming. I was getting
: healthy. I was focused on other things, and
: I felt good about myself.
:
: I think I am gay, but my childhood wounds
: have created this pain, and it also has
: acted as the perfect mask for my leabian
: feelings.
:
:
: If you don't know about sex addiction you
: might think it's all about sleeping with
: tons of people or neglecting your family.
: This is not the case for me, and I really
: have come to understand it over the past few
: years thru tons of therapy. In trying to
: "save" the marriage, this is the
: only thing I've got...sexually speaking that
: is. I don't want to have sex with him, and I
: don't know how to do it in a healthy way.
:
: He is thrilled BTW, and that makes the whole
: thing ever more sad.
:
: Has anyone else been thru this? It really
: adds a whole other dimension of confusion to
: the whole "gay or not gay"
: conundrum.
:
: Phew, I had to admit these things on here I
: think in order to move forward.
:
: Please don't judge me. Thanks for listening.
:
: GL
:
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