Posted by greenlilly on November 6, 2009, 2:06 pm
I think the only way I know how to love a man is addictively. In the past this has certainly been the case, and now it's true with my H. I don't know how to love and desire a man 'normally'. I know how to pleasure a man and how to be sexy, but I don't know how to mix love and sex with men in a healthy way.
THANK GOD I now know that I don't even desire sex with men in the same way that I desire women. Two completely different feelings. The addictive feeling is stronger, believe it or not, and has really come back to bite me in the ass these past few weeks. It's been confusing, separating the addictive feelings from the "real" feelings.
I've sincerely been trying to work on this marriage. Trying to want him sexually. The only way I can do it is by becoming this object of sexuality vs REALLY desiring it apparantly. I think this has always been the case too. I don't really want it, but it's the only way I know how.
I liked who I was becoming. I was getting healthy. I was focused on other things, and I felt good about myself.
I think I am gay, but my childhood wounds have created this pain, and it also has acted as the perfect mask for my leabian feelings.
If you don't know about sex addiction you might think it's all about sleeping with tons of people or neglecting your family. This is not the case for me, and I really have come to understand it over the past few years thru tons of therapy. In trying to "save" the marriage, this is the only thing I've got...sexually speaking that is. I don't want to have sex with him, and I don't know how to do it in a healthy way.
He is thrilled BTW, and that makes the whole thing ever more sad.
Has anyone else been thru this? It really adds a whole other dimension of confusion to the whole "gay or not gay" conundrum.
Phew, I had to admit these things on here I think in order to move forward.
Please don't judge me. Thanks for listening.
GL
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