Posted by justbreathe on November 6, 2009, 11:00 am
It has been a very long time since I have posted to this site... or even looked at it. I reached the end of my searching and therefore stopped reading the books or checking out the websites. But I thought I would let people know how I am doing... to maybe provide some hope to those that are currently in the dark and terrible place that I was in not that long ago... although it seems a very long time ago.
I had never known that such a hell existed... that one could feel such emotional and physical pain... as the pain that I experienced when I was torn between staying in a heterosexual marriage (2 children) or leaving it to be true to myself. Many if not most of you can relate to the sobbing, constantly living in your head and body convulsions. I was fortunate that I could afford a great therapist and I have wonderful supportive friends (family not so supportive).
It was when I accepted that I could not stay... that I found peace. There were times that I stumbled backwards, thinking that I was making a mistake... but for every step backwards I made 2 steps forward. I realized that I would still have a family... it would just be a different family. That I could not stay married to a man when I wanted to be with a woman.
So now months later I am in the process of a separation. I am getting financially hammered... but the stress of separation is nothing compared to the stress that I have already experienced. You can't put a price on happiness and I am truly in a happier place. The most difficult thing is that I am still in the same home as my ex because neither of us can afford to move out until the separation is finalized and the house is dealt with. I can understand why some choose to stay in their marriage or simply can't afford to leave it, or why some are driven to even more terrible choices. Separation is a very emotional and expensive difficult process. However... I could not stay.
My boys are amazing and wonderful. They fully accept that I am gay and they love the woman that I am with. When the 4 of us are together we are like a family and nothing makes me happier than to see my 10 year old snuggle up to her on the couch. She has been my rock through all of the stormy terrible times. She has been patient and understanding beyond belief. She has stood by me through my darkest hours.
Her family is wonderful. Although there is a large age difference between us, they have fully accepted us. They truly make me feel like I am one of the family. She jokes that they love me more than they love her. They have also welcomed my children completely.
My friends have been amazingly supportive, many have taken me aside and told me how proud they are of me, that they admire the strength that it must have taken to leave my marriage to be true to myself. They ask if they can share my story to give hope to other friends who are struggling with their sexuality.
I have formed many new wonderful friendships. My partner and I (I like the sound of that) have found acceptance and have been welcomed into different gay/straight groups of friends. We truly have been fortunate to surround ourselves with positive supportive people.
The one unfortunate part is that my own family has not been as accepting. They have come to terms with the fact that I am gay and no longer are trying to convince me otherwise... but they have not been able to accept my partner. They "blame" her and find it too painful to be around her. Hopefully in time they will see how happy I am and learn to accept us. Hopefully they will give her a chance to show them how wonderful she is. Hopefully they will follow my children's lead and grow to love her.
I very much look forward to when my separation is signed... I will then buy a home for my boys and she and I can live our lives and surround ourselves only with people that love and support us.
When I was struggling with my decision and people said... you will know... they were right. When I was in hell and people said... things will get better...they were right.
I have no regrets. I am who I am supposed to be. I am where I am supposed to be. I no longer mourn my past or fear my future. I look forward to my future... I am excited about my future... let my future begin.
Jen.... happily breathing.
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