Posted by meadow on November 6, 2009, 9:37 am
I can feel myself emotionally pulling away from my H. While we have sex, it's about as infrequent as you can get, not that either of us is initiating much. Mostly because it's not fun for me...same things all the time. No oral, whatsoever, barely any kissing (like he's afraid to, but that's how he's always kissed). Two nights ago, we had sex. It took FOREVER for him to get me going. He kept asking if I was okay, if anything was wrong,as stress has always made it difficult for us. I couldn't give him an answer, and when I did, even I was confused: yes/no/I don't know.
Afterwards he said, "You have a lot on your mind, don't you?" I just nodded.
I don't think I can take this anymore. I tear up just thinking about it, and my chest has been tight all week.
I love him, he's a great husband and a great father. He's very supportive of everything: losing my job this past spring in the worst way possible, my choice of volunteer activities, my hobbies. My in-laws have been here most of the summer and all of fall putting up a shed that my father-in-law built and rebuilding our badly-damaged garage that needed a new roof. The holidays are coming. It's not like I have a girlfriend or anything. (Though I desperately wish I did.)
I know what the obvious "next step" is (tell him) but then I argue with myself if I should or not. What benefit will I get from it? What do I hope to gain from telling him? Do I even know what I would say? ("Honey, I'm Bi." "Honey, I'm gay.) Do I want to stay married? I'm not sure...but I do want the freedom to see women. I keep saying I'm bi. I keep looking at girls. I keep looking at guys. I keep fantisizing about girls. I have dreams with both. I think my relationship with my husband is great, except for intimacy.
Oh, help, help, help.
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