Posted by Portia on November 3, 2009, 6:08 pm, in reply to "Trying to explain"
Thank you, JB. This is characteristically helpful and clear. I very much appreciate the time you take to explain your thoughts and feelings about your very personal and profound evolution. I sincerely hope you continue to feel more and more like your healthy, happy self.
Portia
--Previous Message--
: Boi asked me how to defend the honor of
: transfolks (like Chaz Bono) when
: knuckleheads are yappin about stupid stuff.
: (*rolling eyes: "I bet Cher's sooooo
: proud!) This is what I told her. I wanted to
: share it. Maybe it will help you guys
: understand:
:
: JB
:
: ##
:
: Not sure I'd try and talk with anyone who
: was that hostile and bold in the first
: place. Not as an obviously trans person,
: anyway. I would just say something generic
: ("What are you, intolerant or
: something?"), and how you don't waste
: your time listening to shit like that.
:
: With NICE people, I tell them that -- for
: whatever reasons known and unknown to me --
: I'm compelled to masculinize my body in
: order to feel on the outside what I feel on
: the inside. I don't want to be a man. But I
: don't want to be a woman either. I just want
: to be me -- and I'm not that now. I've been
: in therapy learning about it, and it hasn't
: made the feeling go away. In fact, it's made
: the feeling stronger.
:
: I feel very disconnected from my body. It's
: a feeling I've had my entire life. It sucks,
: and it's not the way healthy people are. As
: I get stronger, and as I know myself more,
: being disconnected from my body has become
: unacceptable. I want to heal and be whole in
: every way I can, and this is an issue I have
: to address in order to do that. Now, I
: ignore and punish my body. I squint at it in
: the mirror. I poke and prod and bind it and
: disguise it, and hide it and feel ashamed.
: That's no way to live.
:
: I want to dance, and exercise, and be strong
: out in nature, and be sexual, and look good
: in pictures, and push my body and FEEL GOOD
: about my body. And look full on at myself in
: the mirror with both eyes open. And SEE
: myself. The self I feel like inside.
:
: Doesn't everyone?
:
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