Posted by Joanne Fleisher on November 3, 2009, 4:39 pm
Board Administrator
I'm sorry for the delay, but here is the question:
Posted by HPLaserJet on October 26, 2009, 3:39 pm
I am in a marriage that is sexless but not loveless. I am in a marital relationship that is cooperative and comfortable. I am in a partnership that is well established, effective, successful. (happy, healthy children; peaceful home, general feeling of contentment) I fell in love with a girl who is 18 years younger than me, straight as far as I can tell, with a boyfriend, and her whole life ahead of her. And she loves me back. Is it possible to be married, fall in love with a woman, acknowledge your feelings, stay married, and still lead a happy and authentic life?
Dear HP,
Your question has a familiar ring to it. Like many other married women, you are asking how can I avoid disturbing my world and incorporate this new experience into it? If you take an honest look at your situation, you will see that your world has already changed. You've had an experience that is making you question how to move forward without hurting anyone.
The complicating factor is that so many other people's lives are involved. They will have something to do with the answer to whether this situation can be worked out in a way that you and everyone else is happy. Your falling in love with a woman wasn't part of the marital contract. So, it remains to be seen whether your husband would be willing to work out a different arrangement. If you decide to keep your love secret, you are still effecting the marriage by injecting secrecy into your marriage. The girl you're in love with needs to work out what she wants, as well. She'll need to decide how to handle her marriage. So, you see, the answer to your question is very complicated. There will be some kind of loss no matter what you decide.
In my experience, two women who are married and are attracted to each other after living as heterosexuals, have so much to work through individually that it's very difficult to have their relationship survive the turmoil. What's important for you right now is to determine whether this love is something you must follow. Is it worth upsetting the stability of your marriage? If the relationship with this girl didn't work out, would you need to look further into the meaning of your attraction? You may find it helpful to get some professional guidance to explore these questions. Spend some time re-examining your marriage, your sexuality, and your personal priorities.
I hope you learn something from reading about other women's experiences here on this board. There are certain crossroads that make us step back and review our lives. This is a big one. Take all the time you need to figure out what's best for you.
Joanne
Message Thread:
« Back to thread