Posted by SassyMom on November 3, 2009, 3:40 pm, in reply to "My "story""
Thanks for sharing your story. I can really relate to many parts of your story. Our lives seem to parrallel one another. I got your email...I'll write you back soon.
Now, I gotta sign up for the April workshop too!
Sassy
--Previous Message--
: I have had a few requests for my "whole
: story", so I'm going to give it a
: whirl. Hopefully this doesn't turn into a
: novel, but I am rather wordy so I apologize
: in advance for any eye cramps encountered
: reading this!
:
: I feel like I need to start my story with my
: biggest obstacle and currently my
: "battleground". I was raised in
: the most conservative of Christian homes you
: can imagine. My parents have even started
: their own church now. I was always a
: "good girl" (very obedient,
: straight A's, polite, yada, yada). Shame
: and fear-based obedience came into play very
: early. I am extremely compassionate and
: loyal and I HATE, HATE, HATE having anyone
: hurting, especially because of me. That
: being said. . .here's my "story"!
:
: I have always been attracted to women (as
: long as I can remember). Growing up, most
: of my friends were male as I just couldn't
: seem to connect with many females. The few
: female friends I did have were due to
: intense emotional connection and most of
: those ended with "break-ups". I
: had an emotional and sexual relationship for
: most of my early teen years with a very
: close friend which ended when she got the
: "icky feeling" (meaning to me,
: what we are doing isn't right in other's
: eyes). I remember laying in bed when I was
: 12 years old praying that God would change
: my desires. I dated boys and had some
: serious relationships in college (oh, did I
: mention some of that was at a Christian
: College? ). I remember being about 19 and
: setting up a date with a girl but then
: chickening out because I knew if I went, I
: would never turn back and I simply couldn't
: face that.
:
: I met my H just before I turned 21. He was
: amazing. My protector and rescuer. I felt
: safe, secure, emotionally understood and
: fully accepted for the first time in my
: life. I was able to relax and be me in his
: presence. I never told him of my desire for
: women because I was truly mortified that I
: felt these attractions. I actually made a
: very conscious decision that even though the
: physical side of our relationship wasn't all
: that for me (he says it was fabulous for
: him. I told him recently I didn't know I
: was such a good actress. Sorry, gotta find
: the humor where I can!), the emotional side
: was what I wanted and needed at that time in
: my life. We got married, I quit work to
: stay home with our babies, we made it
: through the death of our daughter, and we
: started our own business. Our life looked
: "perfect". . .I didn't have to
: work, I just gardened, scrapbooked, worked
: out. We never fought, had a great time
: together, our kids are doing great in
: school, I had a beautiful custom home,
: weekly pedicures, any material thing you
: could want. . .I was Cinderella!!
: Unfortunately, inside my heart and mind, the
: glass slipper was rubbing blisters. I was
: miserable and unhappy and starting to face
: in my own mind that I was "faking"
: it.
:
: After our daughter was born 6 years ago, I
: started to tell him of my feelings for
: women. I was very slow and cautious in
: opening up. He was very receptive and
: supportive of me. In 2008, my feelings and
: the need for intimacy with another woman
: were strong enough that I brought up the
: idea of an open marriage of sorts. He never
: did want a gf, but he was okay with me
: having one. That seemed to work for
: awhile. However, this past summer, I
: finally allowed myself to fully face
: "ME". YIKES. I am not really
: sure who I am looking at. I know I am not
: happy in my current situation and cannot
: continue status quo. I came out to my H as
: being much more attracted to women than men.
: After initially coming out, I was elated. I
: felt internal peace for the first time in my
: life. I was no longer hiding from myself or
: anybody else. After the initial elation
: wore off, the anger, sadness, guilt, and
: fear kicked in. Right now, both my H and I
: are very sad and unsure what the future
: holds. We are best friends and are scared
: to lose each other in that regard.
:
: The plan right now is to rent an apartment
: very close to our home and for he and I to
: split our time there (right now, we are in
: separate bedrooms). This way, we will not
: be moving the kids out of their home (and in
: this economy, yikes, maybe I could get a bag
: of m&m's for the house!). This will
: continue for at least one year. During this
: time, I need to tackle a ton of issues which
: have been bubbling to the surface since this
: summer. I need to figure out who I am aside
: from my parents, aside from my kids, aside
: from my marriage. What do I want from life?
: What is most important? What might bring
: me happiness and what am I willing to
: sacrifice for that? What are MY beliefs? I
: want to be able to look back over my life
: and not feel like I regret everything.
: Right now, I can say I am grateful for
: everything that has happened in my life. I
: have grown as a person and have learned a
: lot of lessons along the way. I truly
: believe everything happens for a reason.
:
: I am standing at a major junction in the
: road and want to pursue the right path for
: me. My H is hurting, but is extremely
: supportive of my journey. I do not
: currently have a gf (just broke up about
: three weeks ago), and even though I desire
: that, I think it is easier to figure all
: this out without the added confusion of
: having another relationship. I am trying to
: simply take baby steps. Trying to separate
: the issues and figure out what needs to be
: attended to first. Trying to muster the
: courage everyday to continue on the journey
: and not jump back into the closet (although
: I do have fabulous shoes and purses in
: there!!). Trying to remember to breathe.
:
: I have no idea what the future holds. I
: can barely predict next month let alone
: anything beyond that. I am excited and
: terrified at the same time, but I have to
: press forward or I will never know. And for
: me, the not knowing and always wondering
: would be worse than what I feel right now.
: I have to continue on my journey and I am so
: glad for the AJ board. It brings me great
: comfort to know I am not alone. I just
: signed up for the April conference and am so
: excited I could burst!!
:
: SOOOO. . .that's my story and I'm stickin'
: to it!
:
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