Posted by glittergirl on November 3, 2009, 10:44 am
I have had a few requests for my "whole story", so I'm going to give it a whirl. Hopefully this doesn't turn into a novel, but I am rather wordy so I apologize in advance for any eye cramps encountered reading this!
I feel like I need to start my story with my biggest obstacle and currently my "battleground". I was raised in the most conservative of Christian homes you can imagine. My parents have even started their own church now. I was always a "good girl" (very obedient, straight A's, polite, yada, yada). Shame and fear-based obedience came into play very early. I am extremely compassionate and loyal and I HATE, HATE, HATE having anyone hurting, especially because of me. That being said. . .here's my "story"!
I have always been attracted to women (as long as I can remember). Growing up, most of my friends were male as I just couldn't seem to connect with many females. The few female friends I did have were due to intense emotional connection and most of those ended with "break-ups". I had an emotional and sexual relationship for most of my early teen years with a very close friend which ended when she got the "icky feeling" (meaning to me, what we are doing isn't right in other's eyes). I remember laying in bed when I was 12 years old praying that God would change my desires. I dated boys and had some serious relationships in college (oh, did I mention some of that was at a Christian College? ). I remember being about 19 and setting up a date with a girl but then chickening out because I knew if I went, I would never turn back and I simply couldn't face that.
I met my H just before I turned 21. He was amazing. My protector and rescuer. I felt safe, secure, emotionally understood and fully accepted for the first time in my life. I was able to relax and be me in his presence. I never told him of my desire for women because I was truly mortified that I felt these attractions. I actually made a very conscious decision that even though the physical side of our relationship wasn't all that for me (he says it was fabulous for him. I told him recently I didn't know I was such a good actress. Sorry, gotta find the humor where I can!), the emotional side was what I wanted and needed at that time in my life. We got married, I quit work to stay home with our babies, we made it through the death of our daughter, and we started our own business. Our life looked "perfect". . .I didn't have to work, I just gardened, scrapbooked, worked out. We never fought, had a great time together, our kids are doing great in school, I had a beautiful custom home, weekly pedicures, any material thing you could want. . .I was Cinderella!! Unfortunately, inside my heart and mind, the glass slipper was rubbing blisters. I was miserable and unhappy and starting to face in my own mind that I was "faking" it.
After our daughter was born 6 years ago, I started to tell him of my feelings for women. I was very slow and cautious in opening up. He was very receptive and supportive of me. In 2008, my feelings and the need for intimacy with another woman were strong enough that I brought up the idea of an open marriage of sorts. He never did want a gf, but he was okay with me having one. That seemed to work for awhile. However, this past summer, I finally allowed myself to fully face "ME". YIKES. I am not really sure who I am looking at. I know I am not happy in my current situation and cannot continue status quo. I came out to my H as being much more attracted to women than men. After initially coming out, I was elated. I felt internal peace for the first time in my life. I was no longer hiding from myself or anybody else. After the initial elation wore off, the anger, sadness, guilt, and fear kicked in. Right now, both my H and I are very sad and unsure what the future holds. We are best friends and are scared to lose each other in that regard.
The plan right now is to rent an apartment very close to our home and for he and I to split our time there (right now, we are in separate bedrooms). This way, we will not be moving the kids out of their home (and in this economy, yikes, maybe I could get a bag of m&m's for the house!). This will continue for at least one year. During this time, I need to tackle a ton of issues which have been bubbling to the surface since this summer. I need to figure out who I am aside from my parents, aside from my kids, aside from my marriage. What do I want from life? What is most important? What might bring me happiness and what am I willing to sacrifice for that? What are MY beliefs? I want to be able to look back over my life and not feel like I regret everything. Right now, I can say I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life. I have grown as a person and have learned a lot of lessons along the way. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
I am standing at a major junction in the road and want to pursue the right path for me. My H is hurting, but is extremely supportive of my journey. I do not currently have a gf (just broke up about three weeks ago), and even though I desire that, I think it is easier to figure all this out without the added confusion of having another relationship. I am trying to simply take baby steps. Trying to separate the issues and figure out what needs to be attended to first. Trying to muster the courage everyday to continue on the journey and not jump back into the closet (although I do have fabulous shoes and purses in there!!). Trying to remember to breathe.
I have no idea what the future holds. I can barely predict next month let alone anything beyond that. I am excited and terrified at the same time, but I have to press forward or I will never know. And for me, the not knowing and always wondering would be worse than what I feel right now. I have to continue on my journey and I am so glad for the AJ board. It brings me great comfort to know I am not alone. I just signed up for the April conference and am so excited I could burst!!
SOOOO. . .that's my story and I'm stickin' to it! 
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