Posted by sailndive on November 3, 2009, 9:03 am, in reply to "Amy"
I have read that you have stayed away, I have to agree with TNT, you have a message to carry, please keep doing so. I ABOSLUTLEY needed to read every word of what you have written here. Thank you...........I will be looking to read from you...........peace to you and AR.............
--Previous Message--
: Dear Amy, this post is a perfect example of
: you sharing from the heart, wonderful words
: that can raise someone out of the depths of
: self despair. This is a perfect example of
: why you should not leave/avoid this board.
: Stick around...
:
: --Previous Message--
: The joy came when the guilt left. The self
: loathing stopped when I knew that not only
: was I not destroying anyone's life, but I
: didn't even have the power to do so. I'm not
: responsible for making other people happy.
: And can't.
:
: If you think about it, is there anything
: anyone else could do to make you happy, if
: you aren't? To look in the mirror and to
: love yourself means to understand that you
: are a miracle. That no matter how hard
: things have been, how you got to where you
: are, it was the path you needed to take. It
: also means understanding that the past can't
: be changed, but the future is unwritten.
:
: I was very concerned about how this would
: affect people around me. And then it
: occurred to me that 100 years from now,
: nobody would even remember my name, that I
: lived, who I was. Does me preventing myself
: from loving fully change that? 10 years from
: now, even, will anyone care that I am gay?
: That I was married? That I cheated on my H?
: The only person who will know or care is me.
: And the only way I can move forward and make
: decisions that benefit me and those I love
: is to drop the guilt of the past and accept
: exactly where I am.
:
: Do I wish things were different? Of course.
: There were times I wished I wasn't gay. But
: then it occurred to me that being gay isn't
: the problem. Getting married while being gay
: was. And society making it a bad thing, that
: was a problem too. The problem wasn't me,
: it's that I was a married and gay, and that
: lots of people think crummy things about gay
: people.
:
: So what were my choices? Figure out how to
: not be married any more. And figure out how
: to love myself despite what other people
: think. So...? Well, I fixed the married
: part. And realize that nobody else
: determines my self worth. Living with
: integrity (not only the gay thing, but
: honesty, charity, kindless, love,
: compassion) is what determines how I feel
: about myself. And the only way I can
: determine that is to make decisions that
: foster those things each and every day.
:
: And once I knew that my value as a person is
: not based on my sexuality, that I am still
: the incredible person I have always been,
: and that all those people are just plain
: wrong.
:
: You are in a stage you need to be in. You
: will learn to love yourself. You will even
: fall in love with yourself. But not until
: the moment you are ready to do so.
:
: You are a beautiful person.
:
: --Previous Message--
: When does it stop?
:
: I hear so many stories about happiness and
: elation upon discovering our authentic
: selves. At what point in the process did
: this joy hit you?
:
: -amyruby
:
: p.s. Gotta run to a softball game right
: now, but I'll eagerly read your responses
: tomorrow. Thank you! Take care.
:
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