Posted by backwardstoad on November 2, 2009, 10:09 pm, in reply to "Re: I need to use you- completely off topic"
Yes, Amy, I have been hunted by an ex before and I may have an idea what that feels like. I'm sorry you've experienced it and continue to experience it. I know when we're hit by new experiences that awaken old traumas, we do need support. I offer you mine, and hope you yourself will not only be there for this man's family, but readily ask others to be there for you.
--Previous Message--
: Well guys, after many hours of processing and
: some good thoughts from all of you I'm
: better. Not cured, mind you. I think I will
: call my T for a refresher. The terror that
: came with my H is like grief. Little things
: trigger it unexpectedly, and time helps.
:
: It's funny, because my initial reaction to
: everyone telling me to get past this and to
: tell my GF is to wonder if you've ever been
: hunted. Have you ever laid awake at night
: waiting to hear someone try to lock, been
: afraid to drive to work the same way every
: day because he might be sitting in the ditch
: with a sniper rifle? And do you know how
: crippling it can be? And the truth is, we
: all face uncertain life every day. My odds
: of dying from that particular cause are
: higher than most of you, but are my actual
: odds of dying tomorrow much higher overall?
: Probably not.
:
: I am, however, heavily concerned for my GF.
: If I feel significantly better by the time
: she comes home, I won't tell her much more
: than that he passed. If I am still very
: stressed, I will let her know I'm struggling
: but will spare her the details. She knows me
: VERY well, and will know something is off.
: But she will ask and if I tell her I'm not
: ready to share she will respect that and
: simply support me.
:
: While it may seem unfair to some of you that
: I would keep some of this, I am of the
: school that some sharing is selfish. If it
: would only unburden me, but would destroy
: her sense of security, I'm not going to do
: it. I love her far too much to add to her
: fear. We both understand about each other
: that there are some battles that need to be
: fought alone. I won't hold back from her
: that I am dealing with something. Understand
: that I am far better equipped to deal with
: this type of situation than she is.
:
: If I'm mostly better by the time she comes
: home, as I said, I will tell her he passed
: and skip the details completely. I
: anticipate that that will be the case, but
: if it's not she will be along for the ride
: without having to see each and every bump.
:
: SIGO, it is your words that have convinced
: me I can go. Though I was not particularly
: close to this young man, if you think it
: will support his family, I will go. I was
: very conflicted that perhaps I would not be
: supporting them by going. But I trust your
: words and will be there to show them that
: they, and he, are loved.
:
: Thank you all for your words, and for the
: space to work this out so whenever I talk
: with my GF (at whatever level we need) I can
: do so from a place of strength.
:
: --Previous Message--
: I've been staying away from here because
: it's
: become very hostile for me. But writing is
: incredibly theraputic and I have something
: stuck in me I need to get out. I can't tell
: my GF because it hits too close to home and
: I can't talk to friends about it because at
: this point it's confidential.
:
: So I'm blatantly using this place. I'm
: sorry.
:
: One of my apprentices just got back from
: Iraq. Pretty nice kid, 26, with tons of
: medals earned. He has three gorgeous little
: kids and a lovely wife. When he returned his
: wife left him and has been staying with a
: friend. I helped him process some military
: paperwork on Friday.
:
: Saturday night he busted down the door of
: the house where his family was. The police
: were called. They were forced to shoot and
: kill him. He had to guns on him.
:
: I am torn between pity and rage. He has left
: three tiny kids without a dad. He appeared
: to have every intent to leave them orphans.
: He clearly was mentally ill and in a
: tremendous amount of pain. And I liked him.
: But, he needed to die to save the life of
: his wife.
:
: I am torn from one side to another. This
: opens very deep and raw wounds for me. I'm
: not quite sure how to vent the fear out and
: I will likely have nightmares for a week or
: two. I really am resisting telling my GF as
: then she will also become ill. We live every
: day knowing my ex might come for us, but
: it's easy to set aside when you don't see
: them for a while. Things like this bring it
: right back to the present.
:
: I don't know how I'm going to go through
: this. I'm not sure what direction to go. Do
: I go to the funeral? Traditionally I go to
: all funerals of my folks. I hope his demons
: are gone and his pain eased. And yet my
: personal feelings on this one are very
: strong... I don't know if I'm a big enough
: person to do this.
:
: I'm sorry to use you all like this. It's not
: at all related to the purpose of this board.
: I just have nowhere left to go to get the
: words flowing. We can't even talk about it
: where I work because it's too public of an
: area. Sad, scared, angry, sick...
:
: I live in a made up world where crazy shit
: doesn't happen because it's the only way I
: regained my sanity. Pretty hard to stay
: there when reality hits you over the head
: with a bat
:
: I just don't know. Do I ignore this, pretend
: I don't know the details? Act like it's just
: an accident? Do I respect myself and victims
: of domestic violence? How do I do that in my
: capacity? How do I process such a horrible
: thing by myself? My GF should know what I'm
: going through (how fortunate she's out of
: town this week) but doing so will put her in
: a worse spot than I'm in. I talk to her
: about everything. Will I be able to keep
: this from her? Maybe something vague will
: let her know I'm working on something
: without giving her enough rope to hang
: herself.
:
: Not sure how I'm going to do this. It's just
: so damn close to my heart.
:
:
:
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