Posted by Amy on November 2, 2009, 9:57 pm, in reply to "Self-Loathing"
The joy came when the guilt left. The self loathing stopped when I knew that not only was I not destroying anyone's life, but I didn't even have the power to do so. I'm not responsible for making other people happy. And can't.
If you think about it, is there anything anyone else could do to make you happy, if you aren't? To look in the mirror and to love yourself means to understand that you are a miracle. That no matter how hard things have been, how you got to where you are, it was the path you needed to take. It also means understanding that the past can't be changed, but the future is unwritten.
I was very concerned about how this would affect people around me. And then it occurred to me that 100 years from now, nobody would even remember my name, that I lived, who I was. Does me preventing myself from loving fully change that? 10 years from now, even, will anyone care that I am gay? That I was married? That I cheated on my H? The only person who will know or care is me. And the only way I can move forward and make decisions that benefit me and those I love is to drop the guilt of the past and accept exactly where I am.
Do I wish things were different? Of course. There were times I wished I wasn't gay. But then it occurred to me that being gay isn't the problem. Getting married while being gay was. And society making it a bad thing, that was a problem too. The problem wasn't me, it's that I was a married and gay, and that lots of people think crummy things about gay people.
So what were my choices? Figure out how to not be married any more. And figure out how to love myself despite what other people think. So...? Well, I fixed the married part. And realize that nobody else determines my self worth. Living with integrity (not only the gay thing, but honesty, charity, kindless, love, compassion) is what determines how I feel about myself. And the only way I can determine that is to make decisions that foster those things each and every day.
And once I knew that my value as a person is not based on my sexuality, that I am still the incredible person I have always been, and that all those people are just plain wrong.
You are in a stage you need to be in. You will learn to love yourself. You will even fall in love with yourself. But not until the moment you are ready to do so.
You are a beautiful person.
--Previous Message--
: When does it stop?
:
: I hear so many stories about happiness and
: elation upon discovering our authentic
: selves. At what point in the process did
: this joy hit you?
:
: -amyruby
:
: p.s. Gotta run to a softball game right
: now, but I'll eagerly read your responses
: tomorrow. Thank you! Take care.
:
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