Posted by autumn_mom on November 2, 2009, 7:24 pm, in reply to "Re: Oh this is painful to write."
Thanks. I don't know how to move onward or upward. I try to distance myself in my mind from her--reminding myself this process is about ME, not about me and her. That my feelings for her was the thing that showed me my true nature and what a deep lover I am, but that I don't have to have that with HER. It is hard, though.
--Previous Message--
: autumn_mom, your story share alot of
: similarities with mine, just reading it,
: made my heartache, except my friend was not
: asexual, very sexual, she made many
: overtures toward me. What you said about
: already leaving your husband for her in your
: heart, is exactly what I told her, the first
: time we decided not to talk anymore, but did
: anyway. Thanks for sharing. I miss my
: friend, I miss my girl. I don't think about
: it because it hurts. so onward and upward as
: I've heard others say.
:
: --Previous Message--
: My heart is tensing. I am not sure I can
: write it. [breathes] okay. Here goes.
:
: We were both in an informal online fan
: group. She was kind of a star in the group
: for her critiques and humor, and I was a
: newbie, joining her community in spring of
: 2008. But I really seemed to
: "get" her, right from the start.
: She was publicly extroverted and irreverent,
: but personally never really opened to
: anyone. Once in a while, she would comment
: or write something that showed an opening--a
: gorgeous interior full of love and light and
: I wanted to bathe in it. One day I wrote
: something and it caused her to open like
: that. It dawned on me that I could try to,
: with each word I wrote, make that happen
: again. I soon realized I was good at it.
: It felt heady, powerful, and arousing to be
: able to invite her to shine like that and
: have her respond. One day, she confessed to
: me privately that she was asexual. My heart
: sank and my mind thought, "Wait--why
: are you feeling this way? You don't know
: this woman, you love H, what the
: hell..." (I'd loved women before and
: figured I was bisexual but had really been
: burying my same sex attraction for years
: since it threatened my marriage.)
:
: But we became closer and closer. We joked
: that we were figments of each other's
: imagination, since we only knew each other
: online. One day I made that joke again and
: she responded with dead sincerity "You
: are better than my imagination" and I
: died.
:
: That was the first of many moments where I
: illicited a kind of organic, unplanned,
: uncrafted romantic response from her. By
: November, I felt addicted to her. By
: December, I'd told her I had romantic
: feelings for her and thought I was loosing
: my mind. We tried and tried to just
: interact as friends but it was as though we
: operated at a romantic frequency or not at
: all.
:
: Others in our informal community knew we'd
: gotten close. We went from publicly calling
: each other internet bff's to internet gf's
: to internet wife. Everyone else thought we
: were kidding. We weren't. She'd become my
: companion. I loved her completely. She
: admitted to loving me passionately but
: without sexual desire. She insisted I'd
: never desire her once we met--her theory was
: that since she was asexual, she never
: attracted others that way due to low sexual
: energy. I vehemently disagreed. What f-ing
: idiots never saw her light? Her inner
: lover? By February, I knew I was
: desperately in love with her and was feeling
: something I'd never felt with any other
: woman or with H. By March, we ended it.
: She began to appear less and less asexual to
: me, and I could see that she was reigning in
: her attraction so as to not become unsafe
: for me. We were both terrified of losing
: this thing we had. I'd have agreed to
: anything to keep her. I'd have agreed to
: never see her in real life. I'd have agreed
: to only write once a week. I'd have done
: anything to make it safe to love her. But
: it wasn't safe. I told her at the beginning
: that I was never leaving H, but I already
: had. in my heart.
:
: She insisted we take a break and in that
: week of pure hell, I realized that I am gay.
: I might love H, and I might physiologically
: respond to men, but emotionally,
: romantically, it's always been women. We
: never spoke again. A few difficult emails
: and that was it. She dissappeared from our
: online community. I lurked a bit like the
: stalker I am and found over the summer that
: she'd returned under a new name, the title
: of a love poem she'd once sent me. I know.
: Not exactly the behavior of an asexual.
:
: I told H in April about everything and began
: searching my heart and mind for how gay I
: really am. I told him I didn't know I could
: still respond to him or be a good lover to
: him right now. He said that was okay; he
: asked only for my loyalty and honesty. So
: b/c of that, and only b/c of that, I have
: not contacted her. We were supposed to have
: met, as friends, at a convention this
: summer, but of course neither of us went.
: That week came and went and I don't know how
: I beared it.
:
: She fills my head all the time. I talk to
: her all day. I do the math of what time it
: is where she lives, imagining her at work,
: at home, with her friends. I run my fingers
: over the things she sent me way back when.
: I try to block her from my head when I make
: love to H but am only sometimes successful.
: One of the ways I know I am gay is that I
: discovered in our dynamic that I am a top.
: I am kind of granola-bohemian femme in style
: but in a relationshp with a woman, I am the
: "man." I wanted nothing more than
: to make her safe to be fully known, to bring
: out her beauty, to adorn her with
: compliments and kisses, and to dive deeply
: into her in everyway. I confessed to her
: that I felt like the guy with her, that if
: we were stereotypical, I'd want to buy her
: diamonds or something, and when she wore
: them, I'd feel amazing and aroused inside.
: I thought she'd think I was crazy, but she
: responded, "I know. It's like, I know
: I am a woman, obviously, but I am more aware
: of it with you. Like there might be a use
: for my womanly parts." Again, dead.
: Completely dead.
:
: I know she is not available. A closet case.
: Our relationship forced me to look at my
: gayness and do the work of self-knowledge.
: I doubt she is doing the same. Our
: relationship probably just made her
: strengthen her defenses. She lives in a
: small town where everyone loves her but
: would literally spit on her if they knew she
: loved a woman.
:
: If H and I get divorced, well, I want to be
: with a woman who is available to me. Who
: can respond to me. But I am pretty positive
: that I will need something from her before I
: could move on. Closure at the very least.
: I still, obviously, adore her. It's been 8
: months and my heart still doesn't work
: right. H is always worried about me and my
: friends...that I will develop feelings for
: other moms I meet at D's school, etc. I
: won't. Not when my heart is still hers.
:
: -autumn_mom
:
:
: --Previous Message--
: Hey All -
: I'm pretty new here and I am really
: enjoying what people write. It blows me
: away. One of the things that interests me
: most is how this phenomenon of falling in
: love with a woman happened to you all. I'm
: still pretty disoriented and confused and
: fuzzy about the whole thing. But I'm
: interested, too. Intrigued. I would love
: to hear some stories about how you came to
: be on this website (which, I assume means
: that you are, or were, married to a man, and
: now are in love with a woman)
: How did you meet the woman you love? How
: did the relationship develop? Was she gay
: or straight (or both?) How long before you
: told her your feelings for her? How did she
: take it? I would love to hear some stories
: from people who are in the same phase of
: this process as I am... and I'd love even
: more to hear from some people who have made
: more "progress" than me, so to
: speak. I look forward to hearing some of
: your stories. I think it would really help.
:
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