Posted by BreakAway on November 2, 2009, 1:16 am, in reply to "Sexual Abuse and big "AHA" moment"
I swear I was going to bed. I never sleep. I don't know if this helps but I too suffered s/a throughout my childhood by both genders. Between the ages of 7-10 I was one confused kid. I shut down completely. My mind closed it down and away from me because it was too much for me to handle. As i got older I always had this gut feeling when around certain girls and I associated with the abuse I managed to remember.
What I'm saying is your brained turned off the switch in that part of your memory until you were ready to handle it. A defense mechanism I guess from keeping us from going insane. When you had that moment a reconnected it was because your mind knew you can handle it. You were dead all those years in a sense that you went into shutdown mode to protect yourself. I'm happy you are ready to "wake" up and live your life.
Unfortunately for me that big moment where my demons were unleashed was when I was assaulted not too long ago. A lot of confusion and there are days I still shutdown because I can't handle the truth. I get what you are saying.
--Previous Message--
: I just wanted to share this in case it was
: helpful to any of you.
:
: In my process I went through a ton of
: questions, similar to many of the questions
: I've read here and heard from others. I was
: sexually abused as a child, by an older boy,
: and I went through a period of wondering if
: that had any relevance to my confusion about
: my sexuality, or to my thinking I could be
: lesbian. My therapist and other friends
: gently helped me to get through that and
: reminded me that 1 in 4 women are sexually
: abused, and there would be a lot more
: lesbians in the world if that's what caused
: it...
:
: Anyway, I am one of the women here who
: doesn't really have any recollection of
: childhood attraction to girls. However, I
: also don't remember attraction to boys. I
: am, and always have been, very cerebral, and
: often my body is not my priority, and I am
: unable to notice it. In admitting the
: attraction I feel for the woman I'm in love
: with, I realized that I felt
: "dead" all these years, and
: haven't really felt attraction like this
: toward anyone before. I feel like I am
: waking up.
:
: Anyway, I never linked the two before, but a
: friend was talking about sexual abuse the
: other day, following my coming out to her
: (it wasn't related to my coming out - she
: was sharing something else with me, later in
: our conversation), and I had a crystal clear
: AHA! moment. I've been disconnected from my
: body all these years, and I was unaware of
: the fact that I was a lesbian because of the
: abuse. I am not sure why I didn't connect
: this before now, but it hit me like a bolt
: of lightning. As to why I was able to
: finally reconnect with my body at 27.... I'm
: not sure. But I am so grateful I did!
:
: I hope this is useful to anyone who has had
: similar experiences and/or questions.
:
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