Posted by soonbetonothing on November 2, 2009, 12:49 am
I just wanted to share this in case it was helpful to any of you.
In my process I went through a ton of questions, similar to many of the questions I've read here and heard from others. I was sexually abused as a child, by an older boy, and I went through a period of wondering if that had any relevance to my confusion about my sexuality, or to my thinking I could be lesbian. My therapist and other friends gently helped me to get through that and reminded me that 1 in 4 women are sexually abused, and there would be a lot more lesbians in the world if that's what caused it...
Anyway, I am one of the women here who doesn't really have any recollection of childhood attraction to girls. However, I also don't remember attraction to boys. I am, and always have been, very cerebral, and often my body is not my priority, and I am unable to notice it. In admitting the attraction I feel for the woman I'm in love with, I realized that I felt "dead" all these years, and haven't really felt attraction like this toward anyone before. I feel like I am waking up.
Anyway, I never linked the two before, but a friend was talking about sexual abuse the other day, following my coming out to her (it wasn't related to my coming out - she was sharing something else with me, later in our conversation), and I had a crystal clear AHA! moment. I've been disconnected from my body all these years, and I was unaware of the fact that I was a lesbian because of the abuse. I am not sure why I didn't connect this before now, but it hit me like a bolt of lightning. As to why I was able to finally reconnect with my body at 27.... I'm not sure. But I am so grateful I did!
I hope this is useful to anyone who has had similar experiences and/or questions.
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