Posted by mom23 on October 31, 2009, 2:45 pm, in reply to "Re: Trick or Treat.... "
...I knew you were going through alot.....hang in there...trick or treat - it is ultimately up to us to find the treat - there always is one - even if it gets proven out in a ife lesson learned
.I am here to keep listening....
--Previous Message--
: Sigh... that was awesome.
:
: --Previous Message--
: Trick or Treat…
:
: The woman you love is the best piece of
: candy…
: Her costume is the cutest…
: You want to walk with her in the
: neighborhood…
: You want to carry her bag when it’s really
: really full...
: You want to ride with her on the hay ride…
: To roast marshmallows with her... who cares
: if you aren’t going to eat one…
: And, you want her to be your pumpkin as much
: as she wants to be yours….
:
: Some days I think love is a trick, some days
: I think it’s a treat. It’s funny how we
: vacillate between the two so often. How one
: day you think one thing, the next you think
: another. More often than not, I feel like I
: am the farthest thing from her mind, other
: days, I feel like I'm what she thinks about
: in a quiet moment of peace when she _can_
: think. Understandably so, she is consumed
: with the ending of her marriage, what's
: going to happen, what's life going to be
: like, all of those things. She couldn't
: possibly have room for one more person even
: if that person loves her and it makes me
: realize, it’s not about me.
:
: But then I think, really? Am I just thinking
: that because its what I want to tell myself,
: what I want to believe because believing
: that love pushed her away is too hard to
: think about. It is hard thing to have to
: accept responsibility for being TOO MUCH for
: her when I walked into this knowing I might
: be. It's hard to realize that even though at
: times she made me feel like it was ok to be
: here, that I didn't listen, or allowed
: myself to forget about what’s at her core.
: Her struggle. I should have, instead, it
: would seem, or at least it feels, like I
: pushed her away. I realize that she is doing
: what she needs to do to protect herself and
: her children and this process. I'm not
: trying to totally bash myself, I realize
: it’s about the struggle and not about me.
: But, bottom line I feel like my loving her
: and really wanting to be a part of her
: through this is both a trick and a treat.
: Some days, I'm ok, confident in myself and
: focused on what I need to do for myself to
: be a better person, ready to love someone,
: maybe her, I don't know. Others, I'm less
: confident and feel like I have so much to
: work on to really understand who I am, why I
: push people away with being so me, why I
: continue to allow myself to be hurt, why I
: choose situations that are going to hurt me.
: It's confusing because even now, I'll smile
: at something I see or hear that reminds me
: of her and I have such confidence in myself
: and her and the bond that we have. It makes
: me want to eat yogurt, go run on the
: treadmill, shout from the rooftop that I'll
: be debt free in March, other than my house
: (because taking care of money matters is an
: important thing for her) that I'm getting to
: the roots of things and that I am preparing
: myself more to be able to "marry"
: her so we can date. And then I think, don't
: be so sure, there might be a part of her
: that thinks she knows who and what she
: wants, but you don't know that. Not at all.
: You don’t know anything, anything at all.
:
: That’s why it’s a trick or treat sort of
: day. And I think we all do what we have to
: do to survive. Many of you are struggling,
: daily, hourly, probably sometimes every
: minute because you are married and find
: yourself in love with a woman, or coming to
: terms with your attraction for women. Some
: of us had the privilege of being that woman
: for a moment and now have our own struggles.
: Several of you are enjoying the benefits
: now, (having gone through your process of
: coming out) and are examples to all of us
: that in the end, it truly is love and
: acceptance of self that matters more than
: security, the fear of change for ourselves
: and children, fear of rejection from others
: and living a life that is going to be hard.
: Yes, hard, but authentic and true. Some are
: just starting, some are not moving at all,
: some have stepped backwards, some are just
: waiting because even though we teach others
: to take care of themselves, take charge of
: their own life, settle for nothing, have
: only the best in life, we don’t feel like it
: is something we can do for ourselves. We
: often settle for less, far less than we
: deserve because we think if only we can
: weather the storm while riding on this ship,
: outlast, that there will be smooth sailing
: some day. We don’t think it is possible to
: be our own captain. There are some that are
: about to jump off, (bj) leap for the joy of
: a true and honest existence, fly high and
: free. There are some that are increasing in
: courage, boldness, attitude, self-worth and
: some that think they deserve nothing but
: misery.
:
: It matters not where you are in your
: struggle, what’s important is to realize
: that while you might want to turn off the
: porch light, retreat upstairs and hope and
: pray that people will pass you by, not
: notice, think you are asleep, walk away and
: move on to the next house. (And they will,
: they always do) Stop and remember that trick
: or treaters try to see if you are home
: anyway because they know your house is the
: best house and they just want to know today,
: this time.. .. trick or treat.
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