Posted by Hope on October 31, 2009, 1:28 pm, in reply to "My situation"
Dear Sasha 1....
I know you said you were venting here...and maybe I'm out of line to give my thoughts here on this, but am going to go out on a limb anyways...as I wanted to try and help you a bit.
Please forgive me, if what I say is not something that you even needed to hear.
Just throw it out in the garbage if none of it is at all helpful for you, o.k.?
I won't be offended in the least.
we just know we are together, see each other as much as possible, and know we are connected on a plane (plain?) way more powerful than the here and now. But why can't I move forward in my divorce, I need some resolution but I am frozen. I hate it. I wish I had clarity.
Sasha....there really isn't much that's ever more important than the "here and now".
At any given moment....things can change ..and in drastic ways too !!
We are only guaranteed the very moment that we're in.
I don't think you are realizing this..but in your situation.....the "here and now" things are exaclty where you need to be focusing your attention.... as they are all your obstacles.
We try not to be result oriented in terms of how things will end up working out for us,
How can you expect to get any further in anything if you don't want to take the time to figure out how to achieve the results that you are looking to have in all of this ?
They won't just happen by osmosis...you've got to face them directly ...and work through everything that concerns you and her regarding this relationship.
Take a look at the list of things you wrote here.
1) she's thousands of miles away.
2) She's willing to come to the US but doesn't have working papers and isn't wealthy enough to support herself and have a place without working.
3) She can't imagine living near my H. who makes it so difficult for us and she is used to living and out life in a cosmopolitan city and can't handle the idea of the semi-closeted life we would have where I live.
4) I could move to a nearby city but don't really feel it's in my son's best interest, and I love the country.
5) She needs a lot of her own space and I can't imagine how she would deal with my son if she did stay with us.
6) Sometimes when we are all together, I resent her if she takes on any kind of parental role with him.
There are alot of obstacles here...and they aren't small ones either.
They're all extremely important.
Very, very important !
There is plenty here about your child...and those alone are just hugely important.
Sasha.....I think that you're really just so ovewhelmed ( understandably so...) at the enormity of all the things on your list ....that you appear to want to skip over them instead of addressing them to the point of some resolve.
As in:We try not to be result oriented in terms of how things will end up working out for us,
Being overwhelmed has a tendency to make us become frozen..and my heart goes out to you on this.
The plane that you're on ( being overwhelmed)....the one that causes you to want to whiz right by the "here and now"...isn't really helping you at all....and here's why :
Using a scale of "a to z"...your thoughts are all just frozen at point "z" .
( meaning you're skipping over the here and now...which in you case...
is actually the entire list you wrote above. )
The list you wrote is just filled with obstacles...and that's why you're frozen in all of this, for you are just wanting it to all be done with so you can just be where you want to be, and immediately so as well.
Then, there's also this: How can I love her and still feel so heartbroken at the loss of my marriage?
Very difficult to be facing changes of this nature.
Sounds like you need to be taking some time to sort all of this out, because currently, in the state of being overwhelmed with all that is involved here... you aren't able to bring yourself to think about how this will all turn out, and most importantly... how you're going to get there !
Hence ...your T is telling you that it takes time to sort out two individual's lives...so that they can make the desired and also huge changes towards something different.
So...I'm just guessing here Sasha....but from what I read in your post, your problem appears to be that of being overwhelmed with all that is happening , and at the same time impatience.
The affect of the being ovewhelmed and the impatience has made you want to "turn away from" the importance and the maginitude of the obstacles that are all part of your particular situation. ( which are all the things on your list, if you will. )
The things you listed Sasha....are not small incidental things. They're huge things.
Just reading what you mentioned about what you feel when she's around your child...and the differences in the fact that she's very out to the world...and you're not comfortable with that....
those two things alone are things that could drive a relationship into the ground in rapid fashion.
You're not going to be able to just jump from a to z .
You're going to have to do the work necessary to address each and every one of these obstacles that are very much a part of your situation with her.
Leaving no stone unturned is the only way that you will be able to move forward with your best shot at making this work.
Without taking the time , as your T is so wisely trying to tell you....you will just keep tripping over the same obstacles that need to be resoved....thus making the entire process take far longer than it would have, than if you just dealt with your obstacles fully to begin with.
Normally, I'm not so direct in my replies to people...but for you Sasha...I wanted to be.
I felt the need to be more blunt with you because I want to really help you to "get on point" , or in other words, "square one" about all of this.
You have to start at "a" ...and then work your way up to "z"...leaving no stone unturned.
You need to place yourself in the thick of this....and that will require the time that your T is trying to get you to see.
Sasha.....She's telling you the truth. Listen to her.
She doesn't want you to keep spinning your wheels either...
she's trying to help you get through this in the best way possible.
I so wish you the very best Sasha....
It's a tough place to be, when so overwhelmed.
Peace to your heart,
patience and perseverance to you too .
Hope
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