Posted by sweetgirl on October 31, 2009, 10:12 am
Trick or Treat…
The woman you love is the best piece of candy…
Her costume is the cutest…
You want to walk with her in the neighborhood…
You want to carry her bag when it’s really really full...
You want to ride with her on the hay ride…
To roast marshmallows with her... who cares if you aren’t going to eat one…
And, you want her to be your pumpkin as much as she wants to be yours….
Some days I think love is a trick, some days I think it’s a treat. It’s funny how we vacillate between the two so often. How one day you think one thing, the next you think another. More often than not, I feel like I am the farthest thing from her mind, other days, I feel like I'm what she thinks about in a quiet moment of peace when she _can_ think. Understandably so, she is consumed with the ending of her marriage, what's going to happen, what's life going to be like, all of those things. She couldn't possibly have room for one more person even if that person loves her and it makes me realize, it’s not about me.
But then I think, really? Am I just thinking that because its what I want to tell myself, what I want to believe because believing that love pushed her away is too hard to think about. It is hard thing to have to accept responsibility for being TOO MUCH for her when I walked into this knowing I might be. It's hard to realize that even though at times she made me feel like it was ok to be here, that I didn't listen, or allowed myself to forget about what’s at her core. Her struggle. I should have, instead, it would seem, or at least it feels, like I pushed her away. I realize that she is doing what she needs to do to protect herself and her children and this process. I'm not trying to totally bash myself, I realize it’s about the struggle and not about me. But, bottom line I feel like my loving her and really wanting to be a part of her through this is both a trick and a treat.
Some days, I'm ok, confident in myself and focused on what I need to do for myself to be a better person, ready to love someone, maybe her, I don't know. Others, I'm less confident and feel like I have so much to work on to really understand who I am, why I push people away with being so me, why I continue to allow myself to be hurt, why I choose situations that are going to hurt me. It's confusing because even now, I'll smile at something I see or hear that reminds me of her and I have such confidence in myself and her and the bond that we have. It makes me want to eat yogurt, go run on the treadmill, shout from the rooftop that I'll be debt free in March, other than my house (because taking care of money matters is an important thing for her) that I'm getting to the roots of things and that I am preparing myself more to be able to "marry" her so we can date. And then I think, don't be so sure, there might be a part of her that thinks she knows who and what she wants, but you don't know that. Not at all. You don’t know anything, anything at all.
That’s why it’s a trick or treat sort of day. And I think we all do what we have to do to survive. Many of you are struggling, daily, hourly, probably sometimes every minute because you are married and find yourself in love with a woman, or coming to terms with your attraction for women. Some of us had the privilege of being that woman for a moment and now have our own struggles. Several of you are enjoying the benefits now, (having gone through your process of coming out) and are examples to all of us that in the end, it truly is love and acceptance of self that matters more than security, the fear of change for ourselves and children, fear of rejection from others and living a life that is going to be hard. Yes, hard, but authentic and true. Some are just starting, some are not moving at all, some have stepped backwards, some are just waiting because even though we teach others to take care of themselves, take charge of their own life, settle for nothing, have only the best in life, we don’t feel like it is something we can do for ourselves. We often settle for less, far less than we deserve because we think if only we can weather the storm while riding on this ship, outlast, that there will be smooth sailing some day. We don’t think it is possible to be our own captain. There are some that are about to jump off, (bj) leap for the joy of a true and honest existence, fly high and free. There are some that are increasing in courage, boldness, attitude, self-worth and some that think they deserve nothing but misery.
It matters not where you are in your struggle, what’s important is to realize that while you might want to turn off the porch light, retreat upstairs and hope and pray that people will pass you by, not notice, think you are asleep, walk away and move on to the next house. (And they will, they always do) Stop and remember that trick or treaters try to see if you are home anyway because they know your house is the best house and they just want to know today, this time.. .. trick or treat.
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