Posted by Sasha1 on October 30, 2009, 9:29 pm
Ok, here goes (go easy on me people - & you know who I mean 
) I am separated from my H. for just over one year. We can get divorced. But this still is so disturbing to me. I have so much trouble separating, I still have days where the "what-ifs" run rampant in my brain. I am in love with my gf - the bond I have with her is like nothing I've ever experienced. The problem is that she lives far away (very far). My H. won't let her stay in my house in the guest room when my son is with me and he makes life intolerable if she is here and he sees her (it's a small town). We skype (video call) almost every day and we are together but there are certain realities I can't escape. 1) she's thousands of miles away. 2) She's willing to come to the US but doesn't have working papers and isn't wealthy enough to support herself and have a place without working. 3) She can't imagine living near my H. who makes it so difficult for us and she is used to living and out life in a cosmopolitan city and can't handle the idea of the semi-closeted life we would have where I live. 4) I could move to a nearby city but don't really feel it's in my son's best interest, and I love the country. 5) She needs a lot of her own space and I can't imagine how she would deal with my son if she did stay with us. 6) Sometimes when we are all together, I resent her if she takes on any kind of parental role with him. That being said, I love her. I want her, I want to be with her. We try not to be result oriented in terms of how things will end up working out for us, we just know we are together, see each other as much as possible, and know we are connected on a plane (plain?) way more powerful than the here and now. But why can't I move forward in my divorce, I need some resolution but I am frozen. I hate it. I wish I had clarity. My T. says it takes time to separate 2 lives but I need to make the break and I am stuck. How can I love her and still feel so heartbroken at the loss of my marriage? It makes me feel duplicitous. And no, I can't imagine having sex with him or any man for that matter. Well, I guess I just needed to vent tonight, thanks for listening.....
Message Thread:
« Back to thread