Posted by truetomyself on October 30, 2009, 7:18 pm, in reply to "Feeling Completely Broken"
Thank you everyone for your comments. I am very thankful for this board and all of you. I feel stronger tonight and know I'll get this worked out in my head. I will be so happy when I can report I've figured a way out and I am strong enough to take the steps needed.
H says he'll stick it out till I can go to school just need to do something quick so I can move on this sooner than later.
Thanks again everyone. --Previous Message--
: My emotions are a wreck, and my resolve is
: gone. I've been married for 12 years to a
: really great guy. The man is even great to
: the point that right now he's telling me
: that I need to leave. I need to be true to
: me because he sees how incredibly miserable
: I am. He says he doesn't want me to stay
: with him and in the future hate him because
: he's boxed me in.
:
: He is apologizing profusely right now for
: not allowing me to go back to school and be
: able to support myself and my children.
: (Long story short I've begged to go back to
: school throughout our marriage and he has
: refused to allow it to happen for one reason
: or another) At this point he's telling me I
: have to go back to better myself. I know
: that he is saying this because he feels I
: should go.
:
: I on the other hand am broken. My spirit is
: broken, My fight for who I am is gone, and
: my will to even be is pretty far gone. I
: don't want to go through this fight. I
: don't want to try to support myself when I
: have no education and haven't had a job
: outside of my photography business in over
: 10 years. I don't want to wreck my
: childrens' lives so that they no longer have
: the dance classes they've attended for over
: 10 years, or the soccer team, or the cub
: scouts. None of it, I would be taking it
: all away if I'm so selfish as to leave.
:
: Beyond this I hate who I am. I am appalled
: by the desires that I have. I question
: them. I question, maybe I like girls but
: can still be with a man. I have been with
: my husband more in the last two days then I
: have been in months. I am just beat down
: from this all.
:
: Sadly I am completely heartbroken about se.
: I love her, I really really do. She makes
: me feel free. She makes me feel so
: completely loved. She feels right in my
: arms.
:
: But how do we do this to a whole gaggle of
: children? How do I rip apart my family?
:
: Another aspect of this is H and I talked
: about an open marriage. I was ok until I
: did find out there is a girl at his work
: that is very attracted to him and wants a
: relationship with him. This tore me up. I
: at first wanted happiness for him, and to
: meet her, to be friendly to her. However
: now, I am not a fan of her. I don't want to
: share my children with her. Maybe I'm just
: selfish?
:
: My heart hurts today. I don't know which
: way is up. Now that I even have my husband
: telling me I'm gay I'm actually more
: confused and scared. Maybe it's fear of
: what lies before me. Fear that I won't
: succeed. Fear that what if SE and I don't
: work out and we don't stay together? That
: scares me the most I think. I've waited so
: long to have her in my life and I'm so close
: and now I'm scared to death.
:
: I'm running scared back to the protection of
: my marriage, but as H says, how long will I
: stay? His opinion is, it's just a matter of
: time before I finally decide to be true to
: myself.
:
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